The Yes We Keep Saying

Dawna was sick recently, so late at night before going to bed she asked Mark to take her dog out. Mark said yes, but he grumbled irritably as he stood up. The task got done, but the grumbling stole something from his "yes." It communicated reluctance rather than care.

On our wedding day, we each spoke a profound yes to our spouse, a covenant made before God and witnesses. That yes was not merely a promise for that moment but an irrevocable commitment that shapes every day that follows.

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus calls us to a radical integrity: "Let your 'yes' mean 'yes'." It's a reminder that our original yes must be renewed through countless smaller yeses throughout our life together. 

Yet as we have learned in our own marriage and in our work with couples, that original yes must be renewed through countless smaller yeses throughout our life together.

Marriage researchers have a term for these daily opportunities: "bids for connection." A bid is any attempt by one partner to get attention, affirmation, or affection from the other. It might be a question about your day, a request for help, or simply a sigh that invites your spouse to ask what's wrong.

Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington found that how couples respond to these bids predicts marital stability with remarkable accuracy. In one study, couples who remained married after six years had responded positively to their partner's bids 86% of the time, while those who later divorced had responded positively only 33% of the time.

This is where our daily practice matters. When your spouse makes a bid for connection, you have three choices: turn toward (engaging positively), turn away (ignoring), or turn against (responding with irritation or hostility). A wholehearted yes turns toward. A grudging yes often feels like turning against. When Mark expressed irritation with Dawna's request, he did the job but failed in his opportunity to show Dawna his love for her.

A Practice for Your Marriage

This week, try the "Daily Appreciation Ritual." At the end of each day, share with your spouse one specific thing they did that you appreciated.

Be concrete. Don't say "Thanks for being helpful" but "Thank you for making coffee this morning when you knew I had an early meeting." This practice trains us to notice the yeses our spouse offers throughout the day and to respond with gratitude. Over time, we become more attuned to bids we might otherwise overlook, and we create a climate where saying yes feels natural and valued.

What we discover through this practice is that our marriages are built not only in grand gestures but in the accumulation of small moments. Each time we turn toward our spouse with genuine attention and goodwill, we reinforce the foundation of our relationship.

The yes we spoke at the altar was a gift of our whole selves. But that gift is unwrapped daily, in how we answer the phone when our spouse calls, how we respond when asked for help, how we react to an invitation to listen.

Let your yes be yes, not merely in word but in tone, posture, and spirit. This is how we honor the covenant we made and the One before whom we made it.

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch