Sometimes, Stepping Away Can Bring You Closer

In this Sunday's gospel (Matthew 4:12-23), Jesus receives devastating news: John the Baptist has been arrested. His response might surprise us. He doesn't immediately charge into action or push forward in his ministry. Instead, he withdraws to Galilee. Throughout the gospels, we see Jesus model this pattern. When overwhelmed or preparing for significant moments, he steps away to the desert, or to a new, quieter place, to pray and prepare.

Our marriages need this same rhythm of withdrawal and return. When your spouse says something that stings, when conflict escalates, or when you feel flooded with emotion, stepping back isn't weakness. It's wisdom. But like everything in marriage, how we withdraw matters enormously.

The Problem with Poor Withdrawal

Most of us never learned healthy withdrawal patterns. Instead, we storm off without explanation. We give the silent treatment for hours or days. We disappear into our phones or work, leaving our spouse wondering if we'll ever come back to the conversation. This kind of withdrawal doesn't heal. It deepens the wound.

In more than thirty years as a therapist, Dawna counseled many couples that suffered from spousal withdrawal. One spouse would say something that hurt or infuriated the other. The injured spouse would become emotionally flooded, and feel an overwhelming need to flee the situation. Unfortunately, their need to go for a drive, go to bed, or just lapse into silence was experienced by their spouse as abandonment, isolation, or revenge.

Fortunately, there are ways to meet your need to withdraw that can make your relationship stronger rather than damaging it.

The Rules of Healthy Withdrawal

Research gives us clear guidance here. Studies have shown that when heart rates rise and breathing becomes shallow during conflict, most of us cannot think clearly or communicate effectively. Our bodies have been hijacked by stress, and continuing the conversation only makes things worse. We usually need at least 20 minutes of complete distraction to physiologically calm down.

But here's the crucial part: the person who needs to withdraw must take responsibility for re-engagement. Try this approach: "I need to think about this. Can we pick this up after dinner? How do you feel about that?"

Your spouse can agree or suggest an alternative time. Either way, you've created a contract. You will return. This transforms withdrawal from abandonment into a mutually agreed-upon break.

(Dawna encourages all couples to have a family rule that either spouse can call for a time out when they need it, and the other spouse will accept that need)

What to Do While Withdrawn

Your time in the desert should not be a time to nurse your injury, drink yourself into oblivion, or withdraw into the safety of an online game.

Use your time-out wisely. Walk, journal, listen to music, do something that genuinely soothes your nervous system.

This isn't the time to rehearse your arguments or build your case as to why you are right, or how you've been done wrong. Instead, this is a time to regulate your emotions and consider exactly what you are feeling and why,

Once you have sorted your own feeling, you can think about what you want in this situation: Clarification? Compromise? An apology> An opportunity to safely share your feelings and thoughts?

Then consider how you might approach your spouse to get your need met. differently. What compromise could you offer? What underlying needs are each of you trying to meet?

Re-engaging with Love

When the agreed-upon time arrives, the person who withdrew initiates the conversation.

Come back gently. Use "I" statements: "I felt defensive" rather than "You attacked me." Validate what you heard: "I can see why that hurt you." Ask what your spouse needs: space, reassurance, a hug.

Sometimes reconnection happens through touch before words. A genuine embrace, holding hands during a walk, or simply sitting close can release oxytocin and signal safety to both of you.

An Activity for Your Marriage

This week, create a withdrawal agreement together. Discuss how each of you prefers to take breaks during conflict. What signals will you use? How long do you typically need? What helps you calm down? Write these preferences down and agree that either of you can invoke this process when needed.

The goal isn't to avoid difficult conversations but to have them when you're both capable of genuine connection.