Love in Action: The Small Moments That Build a Marriage

On a recent airplane flight we watched the movie Jay Kelly (2025). George Clooney plays a world-famous actor reaching the end of his career and questioning his choices as he comes to realize how empty his relationships are. One of the lines that stuck was when his daughter Jessica told him: "You say you always want to be with me. But your actions aren’t speaking the way your words are."

Words are easy. Actions are hard.

Salt and Light

Christianity has taught since the beginning that love is not a feeling but a set of actions. One of the Biblical foundations of that teaching is in this Sunday's Gospel, when we are called to be salt and light in the world.

Few places offer a clearer opportunity to live out this calling than in our marriages. Our homes are where faith meets daily life, where love becomes visible not in feelings but in choices. The way we treat our spouses reveals the kind of love we have chosen to cultivate.

Catholic teaching reminds us that marriage is a sacrament in which our love for one another reflects Christ's love for the Church. This is not a poetic metaphor. It is a daily challenge. Christ's love was not passive or abstract; it was active, attentive, and sacrificial. The question for each of us is: How do we embody this kind of love in the ordinary moments of married life?

What Research Tells Us About Lasting Love

Psychologist John Gottman has spent decades studying what makes marriages succeed or fail. One of his findings is striking in its simplicity. In a 1990 study, Gottman observed newlywed couples during ordinary interactions and tracked them over six years. He found that throughout the day, partners make small requests for connection, what he calls "bids." A bid might be a comment like "Look at that sunset," a sigh after a hard day, or a hand reaching across the couch. These moments invite your spouse to respond.

The research revealed that couples who remained happily married turned toward each other's bids roughly 86 percent of the time. Couples who later divorced responded positively only about 33 percent of the time. The difference between thriving and struggling marriages was not grand gestures or the absence of conflict. It was whether spouses consistently noticed and responded to these small invitations to connect.

This finding aligns with what we know intuitively: love is built in the small moments. It cannot be sustained by occasional romantic dinners alone, but by whether you look up from your phone when your spouse speaks, whether you respond with warmth when they share something that matters to them.

A Practice for Your Marriage

This week, pay close attention to the bids your spouse makes. Notice when they share something about their day, point something out, seek reassurance, or simply want your attention. Make a conscious effort to respond positively, even briefly, rather than continuing with what you were doing.

At the end of each day, reflect together on what you noticed. You might ask one another: "What moment today made you feel most connected?"

This simple practice builds awareness and helps both partners feel seen.

Conclusion

Love as an action means choosing to turn toward your spouse again and again in the quiet moments that make up a life together. It means noticing when they reach for you and responding with presence rather than distraction. These are the choices that build a marriage over time.

When we love our spouses faithfully in these small ways, our marriages become what they are meant to be: a witness to the world of a deeper love. This is how our homes become places where others can glimpse something of Christ's patient, attentive, enduring love for his people.