It's Your Spouse's Job to Get You to Heaven (And Vice Versa!)
- Dawna Peterson
- Sep 6
- 4 min read
When we were in our pre-Cana course more than forty years ago, we were taught that each spouse has the vocation of getting the other one into heaven. Mark told the instructor that this seemed unfair, as he had a much lighter cross to bear than poor Dawna did!
In this Sunday’s Gospel, Jesus warns us of the need to prepare ourselves for carrying our cross, just as a builder must plan before starting construction, or a king must strategize before committing to battle. Because the Church recognizes that marriage is a cross we must bear, we are required to participate in pre-Cana or marriage preparation, before we can wed.
Is it disturbing to think of marriage as a cross? When we think of carrying a cross, we often envision a heavy burden, a symbol of sacrifice. And while marriage calls us to a journey of intentional sacrifice that can lead to profound love, it is rarely an easy journey. It's the willingness to carry burdens together, not as a punishment, but as a way to grow closer, that forges a deeper, more resilient love.
The Four Pillars of a Marital "Cross"
Embracing the cross has never meant suffering for its own sake. Rather, it's a symbolic framework for the four core disciplines that are essential for a healthy relationship: commitment, vulnerability, humility, and service. These aren't abstract ideals, they are daily practices we must recommit ourselves to over and over again.
1. Commitment: The Foundation of Security
Commitment is the bedrock of any lasting relationship. It's the steadfast promise to remain dedicated to your spouse, not just when things are easy, but especially when they are difficult. This isn't a passive state; commitment is not complacency. On the contrary, commitment requires active, conscious effort to prioritize the relationship and your partner's well-being. Commitment creates a feeling of security that allows both partners to take risks, be vulnerable, and navigate life's inevitable storms without fear of abandonment. Think of it as the sturdy frame of a house: it might not be the most visible part of the building, but without it the entire structure would collapse.
2. Vulnerability: The Gateway to Intimacy
Marriage is a unique crucible for vulnerability. As a relationship deepens, a partner sees you—really sees you—in ways no one else does. You can't maintain a pretense for long. They will see through the masks you wear in the world, knowing your weaknesses even as they appreciate your strengths. Your spouse will learn your secrets, not because you betray them, but because a healthy marriage creates a safe space where you can finally be your true, authentic self. This level of exposure is terrifying, but it's also the very source of true intimacy. It requires a radical trust that your partner will love you not just for your best self, but for your whole self. When you allow yourself to be truly known, you invite a level of connection that is both profound and deeply satisfying.
3. Humility: The Antidote to Self-Centeredness
Because our spouses know us so well, marriage inevitably forces us into humility. We're confronted with our own flaws and imperfections on a daily basis, and we can't hide from them. You may think you are a patient person until you're in the middle of a stressful disagreement. You may believe you are selfless until a difficult situation reveals your desire to put yourself first. Marriage holds up a mirror to our true selves, and sometimes, the reflection is not what we had hoped to see. Embracing this humility is not about self-deprecation; it’s about recognizing that you and your spouse are equally flawed, equally human, and equally worthy of love. It’s a call to let go of pride, to admit when you're wrong, and to ask for forgiveness—practices that are absolutely essential for mending conflicts and fostering growth.
4. Service: The Engine of Love
Finally, marriage calls us to service. This isn’t about being a doormat or giving up your identity; service is not subservience. Service in marriage is about a radical shift from a "me" mindset to an "us" mindset. The Church teaches us that true love is not a feeling, but an act of the will. It's the daily choice to put your spouse’s needs and desires ahead of your own. This kind of service can be small—making a cup of coffee for your partner in the morning or listening to their frustrations after a long day. It can also be big—making career sacrifices or caring for them during an illness. You can't have a sacramental marriage if both partners are not actively and consistently serving one another. Reciprocal service allows both spouses to feel cherished, supported, and valued, and it builds a reservoir of goodwill that can sustain the relationship through challenging times.
It's Never Too Late to Prepare
The good news is that it’s never too late to start preparing for or improving your marriage. Whether you're engaged, newly married, or have been together for decades, the principles of commitment, vulnerability, humility, and service are always relevant. You can begin today by asking yourself:
How can I show my commitment more actively?
Where can I be more vulnerable and authentic with my partner?
In what areas do I need to practice more humility?
How can I better serve my spouse?
The cross of marriage need not be a burden to be endured; it should be a path to be embraced. It’s a journey that, while challenging, leads to a love that is deeper, more resilient, and more fulfilling than you could ever imagine.
Comments