Servant Leadership in Marriage

What does it mean for us to serve our spouses? How can we serve without becoming subservient? How can I be a servant and yet retain my my dignity as an equal partner in my marriage?

These questions arise because we are, in fact, called as spouses to serve one another. "I am among you as the one who serves," Jesus tells his disciples at the Last Supper. "Let the greatest among you be as the youngest, and the leader as the servant."

In sacramental relationships, the question isn't "who is in charge?" but rather "How can I serve my partner?" This profound shift in thinking—from power struggle to service—can transform struggling marriages into thriving partnerships. As a marriage therapist, I've seen this principle create remarkable changes in how couples relate to one another.

But how?

One way to think about this challenge is through the lens of "servant leadership."

The Servant Leader Philosophy

Robert Greenleaf introduced servant leadership in a now-famous essay in 1970, describing it as a leadership philosophy where the leader's primary motivation is to serve others by prioritizing their needs and professional development. In marriage, this means prioritizing your partner's growth and well-being alongside--or in some cases, ahead of, your own.

Unlike traditional power structures where one person dictates the rules, servant leadership in marriage creates a mutual exchange where both partners ask: "What does my spouse need from me today?"

This question alone can shift the entire dynamic of a relationship from opposition to collaboration.

What Research Tells Us About Power-Sharing

The Gottman Institute's research has consistently shown that relationships thrive when power is shared. John and Julie Gottman's work revealed that in marriages that last forty years or more, partners demonstrate a willingness to be influenced by each other. This is particularly important for men, who are statistically more likely to resist influence from their wives.

Their research found that 81% of marriages show improvement when both partners practice accepting influence from each other. This reciprocal yielding creates an environment where both voices matter equally.

The Safety of Mutual Service

Relationships of mutual service tend to feel safe--and that's important. Amy Edmondson's groundbreaking work on psychological safety in the workplace shows that environments where people feel safe to be vulnerable without fear of judgment create the conditions for growth and intimacy. The same holds true for marriage. When both partners in a marriage embrace servant leadership, they create precisely this kind of safe environment.

In a psychologically safe marriage, partners can:

• Express needs without fear of rejection

• Disagree respectfully without escalation

• Show vulnerability without being exploited

• Make mistakes without facing lasting criticism

Practical Exercises for Servant Leadership

1. The Daily Service Question: Each morning, ask your partner, "What's one thing I can do today to make your life better?" This simple practice establishes a mindset of service.

2. Power Mapping: Together, identify areas where decision-making feels unbalanced. Create a plan to share responsibility more equitably in those domains.

3. Influence Practice: When discussing a disagreement, begin by asking, "What aspects of your perspective should I consider more carefully?" Then summarize what you heard before sharing your view.

4. Appreciation Ritual: End each day by acknowledging one way your partner served the relationship today. This reinforces the value of mutual service.

   
   

The Transformation Process

Shifting from power struggles to mutual service doesn't happen overnight. It requires intentional practice and often feels uncomfortable at first. Many couples report feeling vulnerable when first attempting these exercises—this is normal and actually indicates you're making progress.

But what research has shown is that as both spouses experience the benefits of being both served and serving, the relationship develops a positive reciprocity that becomes self-sustaining. Bishop Robert Barron speaks of the loops of grace spiraling out for individuals from God's love and favor. In relations of mutual service, our actions and love become conduits of grace for our partner, and in turn their actions become conduits of grace for us, creating a loop or cycle of giving and receiving.

Father Andrew Greeley once said that the only power struggle in which married couples should be engaged is the competition as to who can serve the other more. One way to reach such a goal is to understand that leadership and service need not be opposed to one another--they can be two sides of the same coin.

Photo by Amina Filkins.