Dangerous Voices: Why "Saving Ourselves" Can Cost Us Everything

In this Sunday's Gospel, we encounter one of the most paradoxical scenes in human history. Jesus hangs on the cross while voices cry out from the crowd: "He saved others; let him save himself" (Luke 23:35). Religious leaders mock him: "If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself" (Luke 23:37). Even one of the criminals crucified beside him sneers, "Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us" (Luke 23:39).

These voices, so confident in their worldly wisdom, couldn't have been more wrong. Had Jesus saved himself—had he summoned angels to preserve his life or called down divine wrath on his persecutors—he would have failed utterly in his relationship with the Father, and abandoned the very salvation he came to offer.

This same dangerous counsel echoes through modern marriage. When relationships hit rough patches, worldly voices whisper persuasively: "Save yourself from this unhappiness." When a spouse becomes ill, unemployed, or unable to contribute as they once did, the chorus grows louder: "You deserve better. Save yourself."

Of course we can save ourselves. We can walk away. We can prioritize our individual happiness above all else. We can refuse the cost of commitment. But in doing so we fail utterly in our vocation.

The Research on Self-Focus and Marriage Outcomes

Contemporary marriage research reveals the same lesson. A longitudinal study by UCLA psychologists Thomas Bradbury, Benjamin Karney, and Dominik Schoebi followed 172 newlywed couples for eleven years. The researchers found that couples in which both partners were willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage were significantly more likely to have lasting and happy marriages.

The study distinguished between two types of commitment.

• The first is simply liking your relationship and wanting it to continue—what we might call passive commitment. You go along to get along. You don't rock the boat. You enjoy what you've got.

• The second involves active commitment: being willing to make sacrifices and take concrete steps to maintain the relationship even when it's not going well.

The transformation between passive and active commitment is profound. In the context of marriage, willingness to sacrifice reflects a shift from self-focus to couple-focus. Researchers Paul Van Lange and colleagues explain that for partners who have undergone this transformation, behaviors that might objectively represent personal costs are no longer experienced as losses because they are understood as happening to the couple, or to the family, and become challenges to be overcome together.

Finding Ourselves by Losing Ourselves

Here's where the parallel to the Gospel becomes most striking. Sacrifice functions as a powerful behavioral signal of commitment and security between partners precisely because actions that are not based in self-interest stand out from the day-to-day stream of behaviors to which partners have become used to.

In other words, the very acts through which we "don't save ourselves" become the foundation of marital intimacy and trust.

This isn't just theory. Study after study confirms that the couples who achieve the deepest satisfaction are precisely those who have learned to subordinate individual preferences to the relationship's well-being. The research suggests that relationship quality depends far more on what we give than on what we receive—a fundamentally Christian message.

Yet public culture often promotes the opposite message. We're told to prioritize our individual happiness, to refuse relationships that don't immediately fulfill us, to save ourselves from the hard work of commitment. The divorce rate among those who remarry—presumably people who "saved themselves" from their first marriages—is actually higher than among first marriages, suggesting that the strategy of self-preservation often leads to repetition rather than resolution of relational struggles.

When Sacrifice Becomes Unhealthy

Before proceeding further, we must acknowledge an important distinction. The Gospel call to self-giving love is not a mandate to accept abuse, manipulation, or systematic exploitation. If your spouse is so greatly failing in their vocation as to subject you to physical or emotional violence, separating may be the best thing you can do for them, not just yourself.

There is a profound difference between sacrifice that flows from commitment and transforms both partners, and enabling a spouse's destructive behavior. Healthy sacrifice in marriage is mutual, recognized, and contributes to the flourishing of both spouses and the relationship itself. It occurs within a framework of reciprocal commitment.

Research confirms that the perception and meaning of sacrifices matter greatly, and a growing body of findings does not support the view that sacrifice is a major cause of depression and relationship dissatisfaction. The key lies in whether both partners have made the fundamental shift from self-focus to couple-focus.

The Cost of Refusing the Cost

What happens when we consistently choose to "save ourselves" in marriage? When rough times come—and they will come—we find ourselves without the resources to weather them. We've trained ourselves to ask, "What's in this for me?" rather than "What does this relationship need?" We've practiced the habit of self-preservation rather than self-gift.

The UCLA researchers found that couples who were willing to make sacrifices within their relationships were more effective in solving their problems, and this second kind of commitment predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship.

Think about what this means practically. When your spouse loses a job, becomes chronically ill, or goes through depression, some voices will counsel you to save yourself. The worldly logic seems so sensible: Why should you suffer? You didn't sign up for this. You deserve happiness.

If you've cultivated the habit of self-focus, you'll listen to those voices. If you've trained yourself to save yourself, you'll find yourself powerless to do what the moment actually requires.

More than that, you'll have hollowed out the very relationship you were trying to protect. Because a marriage can't survive two people perpetually focused on saving themselves.

The Way Forward

The Gospel doesn't end with the crucifixion, and neither does our reflection on this reading.

Jesus's refusal to save himself led to resurrection—to life more abundant than anyone could have imagined. Similarly, in marriage, the refusal to save ourselves—the willingness to sacrifice, to stay, to serve even in difficult seasons—opens the door to depths of intimacy and fulfillment that self-focus can never reach.

This doesn't mean embracing suffering for its own sake. It means recognizing that authentic love requires the death of certain things: our insistence on having everything our way, our demand that our spouse meet all our needs, our expectation that marriage will primarily serve our individual fulfillment.

The research consistently shows that the marriages that succeed are those in which both partners have made this fundamental orientation shift. They've stopped asking primarily "Am I happy?" and started asking "How can I contribute to our happiness?"

They've recognized that in the vocation of marriage, there is no longer just "me" and "you"—there is "us." First, foremost, and finally: us.

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