Stay Awake! Lasting Love Requires Both Dedication and Protection

In October, we attended the Catholic Family Life Association conference in Louisville, Kentucky. Among the people we met were Joseph and Crystal Gruber, who have a mission called Our Outpost. Joseph and Crystal offer workshops and courses to married couples. One of these is an online course entitled Gallant & Godly, a five week course on husband formation.

"So many men are shocked when I tell them that they need to date their wives," Joseph told us. Husbands need to be vigilant about keeping their marriages strong, he said.

Vigilance isn't something that regularly comes up in marriage encounters or couple's retreats but this Sunday's Gospel puts it front and center. "Stay awake!" Jesus says, both because you do not know when the Master is coming, and because you don't want a thief to come in the night.

Similarly, lasting marriages share these two essential types of vigilance: daily dedication to the relationship's work and protective awareness of external threats.

Like tending a garden while keeping the gate secure, successful couples nurture their bond through small, consistent acts of care while maintaining boundaries against modern challenges—from technology's intrusions to work stress. Vigilance in this sense isn't about anxiety or control, but  having the wisdom to stay present, prepared, and protective of something precious.

The Daily Work of Commitment

Tools like husband formation classes are needed because so many couples assume that once they've fallen in love, their love will sustain itself. According to Dr. Eli Finkel, contemporary couples expect a lot from marriage, including self-actualization and personal growth. Yet they are investing less time in their relationships than previous generations. This gap between their expectations and their investment can create real crises in marriage.

When couples stand before family and friends to exchange vows, they're making more than a declaration of love—they're accepting a vocation that requires daily diligence.

Research by relationship expert John Gottman reveals that successful marriages are built on "small things often" rather than grand gestures. Thriving couples show up for the ordinary moments: morning coffee together, a quick telephone check-in text during a busy day, keeping your promise to take care of a household errand even though you are running late for work.

Research shows that couples who regularly engage in maintenance strategies—including positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks—report higher relationship satisfaction and stability. Again, these aren't dramatic acts; they're quiet, consistent choices spouses make to prioritize their marriages even when life gets busy.

Guarding Against External Threats

Just as we lock our doors at night and install security systems to protect our homes, successful marriages require protective boundaries against external threats. These threats aren't always obvious—they often arrive disguised as normal life circumstances or even positive opportunities.

One of the most insidious threats is what infidelity researcher Shirley Glass called "walls and windows" in relationships. Healthy marriages maintain windows (transparency) with each other while keeping walls (boundaries) with potential romantic alternatives. When these reverse—when we build walls with our spouse and open windows with others—the marriage becomes vulnerable to infidelity, even when that's not the initial intention.

Technology has created new vulnerabilities that previous generations didn't face. Phone use during couple time significantly predicts relationship conflict and reduced satisfaction—just one example of what researchers are calling "technoference." Social media, while connecting us to others, can also become what Dr. Sherry Turkle calls "alone together," times when we are physically present but emotionally absent from our partners.

Work stress represents yet another external threat that can burglarize marriages of their vitality. Workplace stress doesn't stay at the office. Studies show that it follows us home and affects marital interactions, particularly for men who tend to withdraw when stressed. Couples who recognize this pattern can develop protective strategies, such as transition rituals between work and home or designated stress-talk times.

The Practice of Preparedness

So how do couples cultivate both dedication and protection? Here are some tried-and-true strategies:

• Regular Relationship Check-ins: Weekly "State of the Union" meetings where couples discuss what's working, what needs attention, and appreciation for each other can be a game changer. It was for us. These meetings create a rhythm of attentiveness that catches small issues before they become major problems.

• Intentional Positive Interactions: Five to one. That's the magic ratio, according to Gottman's research Happy couples average five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. This doesn't happen automatically; it requires conscious effort to build positivity into daily life.

• Boundary Setting: Successful couples explicitly discuss and agree upon boundaries regarding friendships, work relationships, and social media use. They recognize that boundaries aren't about spouses trying to control each other; they are an important way to protect something valuable.

• Stress-Reducing Rituals: Whether it's a daily walk together, a device-free dinner, or a weekly date night, couples need rituals that help them reconnect and decompress from external pressures. Research by Robert Doherty shows that family rituals significantly predict marital satisfaction.

The Wisdom of Watchfulness

You don't have to be paranoid to be vigilant. Successful couples maintain a kind of "relaxed vigilance" in which they are engaged in, and protective of their marriages, without being anxious or controlling. They understand that love alone isn't enough; love must be paired with wisdom, intention, and protective care.

Marriage, at its best, is both a sanctuary and a calling. It requires us to show up fully, to remain watchful without being fearful, and to tend the relationship with the same care we would give to anything precious and irreplaceable. In this age of distraction and competing demands, perhaps the most radical act is simply to remain truly present for your spouse.

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BONUS: Happy first Sunday of Advent! Go to our Tools section to get our 2025 couples Advent Calendar with fun daily couples activities intended to help strengthen you marriage and enhance your time together.

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