Don't Lose What You've Been Given

Dawna Peterson
1 day ago
6 min read

"This is the will of the one who sent me, that I should not lose anything of what

he gave me." -- John 6: 38

Paul and Brandi seemed to have it all. Twenty-one years of marriage, three wonderful children, financial stability, and mutual respect. Neither had affairs. Neither abused alcohol or engaged in verbal cruelty. They were, by all accounts, nice people who cared about each other.

Yet Randi filed for divorce two months after their youngest left for college.

"I asked him for years," she told me, eyes brimming with tears. "I needed more romance, more connection. I wanted date nights. I wanted us to talk about the shows we watched. He'd say 'okay' and things would improve for a week or two. Then we'd slip back into the routine. It's been years, and now I'm just...done."

Paul sat stunned in my office. "I thought we were fine. She never said it was this serious. I was trying to work on it, but... there was always something more urgent—work deadlines, the kids' activities, house repairs. I thought we had time."

They didn't.

Caleb and Brittany's marriage ended differently but just as unnecessarily. They fought constantly—not about major issues, but about the everyday frictions of life together.

Caleb would raise a concern; Brittany would hear it as criticism and defend herself. Voices would rise. Harsh words would fly. They'd eventually apologize and reconcile, but the pattern never changed.

After seven years, Caleb reached his limit. "I can't live like this anymore," he said simply. "I love her, but I'm exhausted. We've had the same fight a thousand times, and nothing ever changes."

Holding Onto Your Gift

In sacramental marriage, our spouses are gifts given into our care. This Sunday's Gospel reminds us of Christ's promise: those given to him, he will never cast out. He will not lose them.

This is the model for marriage. Your spouse is entrusted to you with the expectation that you will hold on, that you will do the work of keeping what you've been given. Not through white-knuckled endurance, but through intentional, ongoing acts of love.

Both couples—Paul and Randi, Caleb and Brittany—failed this call. Paul assumed his marriage could run on autopilot while he attended to what he thought were more pressing matters. Brittany assumed love alone would sustain them through destructive patterns. Both discovered too late that marriage requires more than good intentions; it requires consistent, purposeful attention.

Research in relationship psychology confirms what these stories illustrate. Dr. John Gottman's decades of research found that successful couples aren't those who never have problems—they're those who address problems while they're still manageable. His studies show that couples who turn toward each other's "bids for connection" and who process conflicts constructively have dramatically higher rates of marital stability and satisfaction.

Similarly, positive psychology research emphasizes that thriving relationships require small, consistent acts of connection that build goodwill and resilience. Marriages don't typically fail from single catastrophic events; they fail from accumulated neglect, from thousands of small moments of disconnection that compound over time.

The Weekly Check-In: A Lifeline for Marriage

One of the most powerful tools we therapists recommend to couples is deceptively simple: the weekly marriage check-in. This isn't couples therapy. It's not a complaint session. It's a structured, 30-45 minute conversation that creates space for the ongoing maintenance every marriage requires.

We started our "state of our union" meetings 29 years into our marriage and they were a game changer for us. We talk about how we have organized our own meetings in our book.

Like ours, your meetings will evolve over time. Here's one relatively simple way to organize a couple's check-in meeting to get started:

Schedule it and protect it. Choose a consistent time each week—Sunday evening, Friday morning, whenever works for your schedule. Put it on the calendar like any important appointment. No phones, no TV, no children interrupting. This is sacred time for your marriage.
Opening Prayer Center yourselves in God's enduring Grace as you begin to talk about your union.
Express appreciation (5 minutes). Each spouse begins by sharing specific things they appreciated about the other that week. Not generic statements ("you're great") but concrete observations ("I noticed you made coffee for me three mornings this week even though you were running late" or "Thank you for listening when I was stressed about work on Tuesday").

Starting with positivity reminds you why you're together and what's working. It creates a sense of safety for harder conversations.
Intention for the coming week (5 minutes) This is what you are carefully practicing to change negative habits. "This week I will lower my voice and soften my tone when I feel irritated with you" or "This week I will put my clothes in the hamper instead of leaving them in the bathroom when I shower."
Share an "unresolved issue" or request (10-15 minutes). Each spouse can raise one issue. This is cannot be an attack on your spouse, but should be framed as a request for change or connection. Use "I" statements focused on your needs, not "you" statements about their failures.

This is where Paul could have heard Brandi's needs before they became deal-breakers. This is where Caleb and Brittany could have learned to discuss issues without defensiveness and escalation.

The rule: Listen to understand, not to defend or fix. Reflect back what you hear. Don't respond or explain your side until your spouse says they feel completely heard and understood. Even if you can't resolve the issue in that moment, acknowledging your spouse's experience builds connection.
Preview the week together (10-15 minutes). Discuss logistical issues like upcoming appointments, children's needs, household tasks, financial decisions. This helps prevent those issues from popping up unexpectedly and turning into sources of conflict. Creating plans together for dealing with household needs builds teamwork.
Plan connection (5 minutes). Intentionally schedule time together for the coming week—a date, a walk, shared prayer, intimate time together. Don't leave connection to chance.
Close with affirmation. End by expressing love and commitment to each other. Physical affection—a hug, a kiss—seals the time together. We conclude by asking each other a question: "What's one thing I can do this week that will help you in your vocation of marriage?"

Why This Works

For complacent couples like Paul and Brandi, it ensures that needs don't go unvoiced until resentment has built to critical mass. Brandi wouldn't have needed to repeat herself for years. Paul wouldn't have been blindsided. The weekly rhythm creates accountability for follow-through.

For conflict-prone couples like Caleb and Brittany, it provides structure for addressing issues calmly before frustration peaks. It teaches the skills of constructive dialogue: speaking vulnerably rather than critically, listening without defensiveness, focusing on solutions rather than blame. These skills, practiced weekly in a lower-stakes setting, gradually help couples handle spontaneous conflicts when they arise.

The check-in also embodies the principle of stewardship. Just as we wouldn't expect our physical health to thrive without regular attention to diet, exercise, and rest, we can't expect our marriages to flourish without consistent, intentional care. The weekly check-in is preventive medicine for your relationship.

Holding What You've Been Given

Christ's promise in John 6 is one of unwavering commitment: "I will never cast out... I will not lose... I will raise up." This is the standard for Sacramental marriage—not perfection, but perseverance. Not the absence of difficulty, but the refusal to quit.

Paul and Brandi's marriage didn't have to end. Caleb and Brittany didn't have to divorce. With the right tools and consistent effort, both couples could have held onto what they'd been given.

If you're married, your spouse is God's gift to you, entrusted to your care. The question is: Are you actively holding on? Are you doing the work of keeping what you've received?

The weekly check-in is one powerful way to answer yes. It's simple. It's doable. And research shows it works.

Your marriage is worth 45 minutes a week. Don't wait until crisis forces you into a counselor's office. Start this week. Protect what you've been given. Hold on to each other the way Christ holds on to you: intentionally, consistently, and with unwavering commitment.

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