How Forgotten Milk and Missed Calls Damage Your Marriage

Dawna Peterson
2 days ago
6 min read

"But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?" (Luke 18:8)

In this week's Gospel, Jesus speaks of faith. While his message is primarily about our faith in God, his words invite us to consider a parallel question for our marriages: do our spouses find us faithful?

In her years as a marriage and family counselor, Dawna has many times worked with couples trying to get beyond betrayals of sexual fidelity. One thing she learned is that whether or not couples could overcome this terrible breach of faith depended in part on how much they trusted one another otherwise.

Faithfulness extends far beyond sexual fidelity—it encompasses the countless small promises we make and either keep or break each day. Let our "yes mean yes and our no mean no" Jesus says in Matthew's Gospel. Wise advice for marriages, because the architecture of trust in marriage is built one kept promise at a time.

The Hidden Crisis of Micro-Betrayals

When you tell your spouse you'll pick up milk on the way home and forget, that's a micro-betrayal. When you promise to be home by six and stroll in at seven without calling, that's a micro-betrayal. When you assure your partner you'll look into refinancing the mortgage and weeks pass without action, that's a micro-betrayal.

Studies by Dr. John Gottman, who has researched thousands of couples over four decades, reveal that these seemingly minor failures of follow-through create a state where your partner begins to interpret even neutral actions through a lens of disappointment and distrust. University of Oregon emeritus psychologist Robert Weiss coined the term “Negative Sentiment Override” to describe the emergence of these kinds of troubling patterns where trust is broken in relationships.

Think of it this way: each kept promise makes a small deposit in what Gottman calls your "emotional bank account." Each broken promise makes a withdrawal. But it's not a one-to-one ratio: it takes approximately five positive "deposits" to counterbalance one negative "withdrawal" in marriage. That means a single forgotten promise requires five kept promises to restore equilibrium.

The Tyranny of "I'll Try" and Other Escape Hatches

Spouses who recognize that they have a difficult time following through on their promises and commitments may try to avoid breaking agreements by using language that creates plausible deniability:

"I'll try to make it to your office party."
"I should be able to help with that."
"Probably, as long as nothing comes up."

Unfortunately, while these hedged commitments make us feel safer in the moment because they leave us an out they don't actually work to build trust.

Research on communication in close relationships by Deborah Tannen (among others) shows that ambiguous language forces your spouse into an uncomfortable position: either they take your hedged statement as a firm commitment and risk disappointment, or they assume you're really saying no and feel the sting of your unavailability. You've essentially transferred your inner conflict about the commitment onto them.

The alternative requires courage: let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.

If you cannot commit, say so clearly and lovingly: "I want to support you, but I genuinely can't promise I'll be there. Can we problem-solve together?" This honesty, while potentially disappointing in the moment, preserves trust in the long run.

The Compounding Interest of Reliability

When you consistently keep promises—even small ones—you're not just maintaining trust; you're building your spouse's belief in your capacity for growth and change.

Consider two scenarios: In the first marriage, when the husband promises to work on his anger issues, the wife's internal response is skepticism—she's tracked years of broken promises about small things (coming home on time, remembering to call, completing household tasks). His promise about anger management joins a mental catalog of good intentions that never materialized.

In the second marriage, the same promise lands differently. This husband has demonstrated for years that when he says he'll do something, he does it. He's built what researchers call "trust capital." When he commits to working on his anger, his wife believes him—not naively, but based on substantial evidence that his word is reliable. This belief itself becomes a powerful motivator and support for his actual change.

The Paradox of Over-Commitment

But here's where many well-meaning spouses stumble: in their eagerness to please or avoid conflict, they over-commit. They say yes to everything, then either burn out or systematically disappoint.

Research on self-regulation by Roy Baumeister demonstrates that willpower is a limited resource. When you commit to more than you can realistically accomplish, you're setting yourself up to break promises—no matter how sincere your intentions. The person who promises their spouse they'll exercise daily, stop eating sugar, be more patient with the kids, work fewer hours, and plan a romantic getaway is almost certainly going to fail at some of these--maybe all of them.

The better approach is to under-promise and over-deliver. Spouses keep their commitments when they carefully consider their actual capacity—accounting for their energy, competing demands, and track record—before committing. This might mean initially disappointing your spouse by setting realistic boundaries, but it builds a foundation of reliability that ultimately offers much more than enthusiastic promises that evaporate.

The Repair of Broken Faith

Of course, all spouses will break promises sometimes. We're human. The research on successful versus unsuccessful marriages shows that the difference isn't in whether conflicts or failures occur but in how couples repair the ruptures.

Relationship research identifies several elements of effective repair:

First, acknowledge the specific broken promise without excuse or deflection. "I told you I'd research summer camps for the kids, and I didn't follow through" is far more effective than "I've been so busy" or "You know how overwhelmed I've been."

Second, validate your spouse's disappointment. "I understand this complicates getting our kids into the camps of their choice or even missing deadlines completely. Since you had to check on this you had to take the mental energy. Now you believe you can't count on me and you are disappointed" demonstrates that you grasp the real impact of your failure.

Third, make a specific, realistic plan to keep the promise or, if that's no longer possible, to prevent similar failures. "I'm setting a reminder for Friday to complete the research" or "I'm going to start using a shared task list app so things don't fall through the cracks."

Research by Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that these repairs work best when they explicitly address the attachment injury: "I want you to know that you can depend on me. I failed at that this time, but your trust matters more to me than my comfort or convenience."

Faithfulness as Daily Practice

When spouses suffer from a loss of faith in one another due to a history of broken promises, I encourage them to treat faithfulness not as a static state but as a daily practice—a series of small, conscious choices that accumulate into unshakeable trust.

Here are some techniques for this:

Practice realistic assessment: Before committing to something, pause and honestly evaluate whether you can follow through. Ask yourself: Given my energy, my current commitments, and my track record, is this promise I'm about to make realistic?
Build in buffers: Life is unpredictable. If you think something will take an hour, tell your spouse two hours. If you might be home by 5:30, say 6:00. Arriving early with a task completed ahead of schedule delights; the reverse erodes.
Don't rely on willpower; create systems, : Research on habit formation by Wendy Wood shows that reliable follow-through depends more on environmental design than personal discipline. Use shared calendars, reminders, and visible task lists rather than trusting your memory or best intentions.
Prioritize promise-keeping over performance: When conflicts arise because you have multiple commitments, give priority to the promise you made to your spouse. Your colleague might be disappointed you can't stay late, but your spouse's trust is more important than your coworker's approval.
Renegotiate rather than disappoint: When you realize you can't keep a promise, immediate communication is essential. "I know I said I'd handle the car inspection this week, but work has exploded. Can we talk about a different timeline?" This approach helps maintain trust even though you have failed to keep your commitment

Growing in Faith

When your spouse knows from repeated experience that your word is good, they can risk sharing their deepest hopes, fears, and flaws. They can attempt growth and change, knowing you'll provide the steady support you've promised. Your reliability becomes the secure base from which they can explore, risk, and love.

Conversely, when your word is unreliable, your spouse must protect themselves. They can't fully lean into intimacy because they've learned that you might not be there to catch them. They become self-sufficient not by choice but by necessity, and the marriage becomes a cohabitation of cautious individuals rather than a true intimate partnership.

Conclusion

Christ's question—"Will he find faith on earth?"—echoes in our homes each day: Will our spouses find us faithful?

Building faithfulness requires humility: acknowledging our limitations rather than over-promising. It requires courage: saying no when necessary rather than hiding behind comfortable ambiguity. It requires consistency: following through even when it's inconvenient, even when no one's watching, even when you'd rather not.

The reward is a marriage built on the solid ground of trust, where both spouses can risk the vulnerability that real intimacy requires.

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