Learning From the Lepers

Dawna Peterson
Oct 11
4 min read

During our couples group, Mark handed every person seven wooden beads he'd purchased that week at a craft store. Their homework for the week, he explained, was to put the beads in the left pocket of their pants. Each time they said thank you to their spouse, they were to transfer one bead to another packet. By the end of the day, all seven beads should have moved. If they didn't, Mark suggested ten minutes of prayer and meditation for each bead remaining.

The inspiration for this exercise came from Pope Francis's 2014 Valentine's Day address in which he urged married couples to use three key phrases over and over each day: “Please,” “Thank you,” and "I'm sorry." At one point, he suggested we should be using these phrases at least seven times a day (each!)

Attitudes of Gratitude

In marriage, we often assume that love alone will sustain gratitude, but the reality is more complex. As a marriage and family counselor, Dawna has seen first hand that even the most loving couples can fall into patterns remarkably similar to those nine lepers in this Sunday's Gospel who received healing but never returned to express gratitude. Gratitude is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction, yet it remains one of the most overlooked practices in marriage.

Almost every spouse says thank you when their partner surprises them with a gift, appreciative words, or a thoughtful gesture. But there are many blessings in our marriage for which we routinely fail to express gratitude. In particular, there are two specific situations where gratitude consistently breaks down in marriages, creating patterns that mirror this ancient story.

The Mundane Blessing Trap

Among the most situations in which we fail to thank our spouses is "agreed-upon responsibilities." When a wife consistently prepares dinner or a husband regularly mows the lawn, these acts of service can become invisible to their recipients. We begin to view these contributions as expected rather than generous.

This is especially true when there is an agreement between spouses as to what each is supposed to contribute to the household. Why should we thank them for just doing what they agreed to do?"

But appreciation is important even for the most mundane tasks. The wife who cooks might feel unappreciated, while the husband assumes his gratitude is understood. The husband who maintains the yard might feel taken for granted, while the wife sees lawn care as simply "his job."

Research shows that expressed gratitude—not just felt appreciation—creates positive feedback loops that strengthen relationships. Yet we often withhold thanks for the very acts of service that make our daily lives possible.

The Mental Load Paradox

The second gratitude trap is more complex. It occurs when one spouse carries the mental responsibility for household management—remembering anniversaries, tracking children's needs, managing social obligations, or monitoring household supplies. When this spouse must remind their partner to complete tasks, saying "thank you" for the eventual action can feel particularly challenging.

The mental burden of remembering, prompting, and following up can make gratitude feel almost insulting. "Why should I thank you for something I had to ask you to do?" becomes the unspoken question.

This dynamic creates what we might call "gratitude resistance"— an emotional state where expressing thanks feels like enabling irresponsibility rather than acknowledging genuine care.

Recognizing the Gift

Gratitude in marriage begins by recognizing that our spouse's presence and service—even when expected, even when prompted—are gifts rather than entitlements. This recognition requires intentional cultivation and magnanimity.

Studies in relationship psychology demonstrate that couples who practice gratitude report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased emotional intimacy, and greater resilience during difficult periods. The key is understanding that gratitude isn't just about good manners; it fundamentally changes how we perceive our relationship.

Practical Steps Toward Grateful Marriage

Here are some practical ways couples can cultivate gratitude:

Recognize the Gift in the Ordinary: Make a conscious choice to see routine acts of service as expressions of love rather than mere fulfillment of obligations. This requires a shift in perspective that treats everyday kindness as worthy of appreciation.
Express Gratitude for Effort, Not Just Results: Don't just thank your spouse when they complete a task. When your spouse responds to a reminder, thank them for their willingness to adjust and help. This acknowledges their choice to care rather than their compliance with expectations.
Create Gratitude Rituals: Establish regular times for expressing appreciation—perhaps during evening walks or before meals. Research shows that regular gratitude practices strengthen relationships more than occasional spontaneous "thank yous"
Practice Anticipatory Gratitude: Thank your spouse in advance for upcoming acts of service: "Thank you for agreeing to take me to the airport." This frames their future actions as gifts rather than assumptions.
Address the Mental Load Together: Couples dealing with unequal mental labor should work together to redistribute tasks rather than expecting gratitude to solve the underlying inequity. One way to get started is Eve Rodsky's Fair Play.

One or Nine?

"Where are the other nine?"

As we encounter Jesus' question in the gospel: perhaps we might ask ourselves: In the daily blessings of marriage, are we the grateful one who returns to give thanks, or are we among the nine who received the gift but did not return to acknowledge it?

In his 2014 Valentine's Day address to engaged couples, Pope Francis taught that couples should say thank you to one another every single day. This isn't mere relationship advice; it reflects the fundamental truth that recognizing and acknowledging gifts strengthens our capacity to receive and give love.