The Power of Thank You: How Appreciation Strengthens Marriages

Every Thanksgiving season, at some point, we recall a dinner conversation we had with a priest when we lived in Egypt.

"One thing I've never understood about atheists," Father Claudio said to us. "Who do they thank when good things happen to them?"

It was just a lighthearted remark, but it was rooted in a deep truth: humans have a need to express gratitude. Numerous scientific studies have highlighted the positive impact of gratitude on both our mental and physical well-being. A systematic review of studies conducted in 2010 revealed that adopting a grateful mindset is associated with lower rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. A more recent review further supported the idea that expressing gratitude is closely linked to emotional and social welfare.

When we express gratitude, we become healthier. When we don't, we lose those psychological benefits.

Fortunately, marriage gives us someone to whom we can express gratitude every single day. When we express gratitude sincerely and often, our spouses benefit, our relationships benefit and, amazingly, our own happiness and mental health improve as well.

Why Gratitude Matters

Research consistently shows that couples who practice regular gratitude report:

• Higher levels of relationship satisfaction

• Better emotional connection

• More effective conflict resolution

• Increased intimacy

• Greater resilience during challenging times

But here's what's fascinating: gratitude isn't just good for your relationship – it's good for you. Studies have found that people who regularly practice gratitude experience better sleep, reduced anxiety, and improved overall well-being.

When you appreciate your partner, you make them feel good, you strengthen your marriage, and you improve your own mental health.

Moving Beyond "Thank You"

Many couples tell me, "But we already say thank you!" And while that's important, meaningful gratitude goes deeper. It's about recognizing not just what your partner does, but who they are and how they enrich your life. Here are some powerful ways to express appreciation:

1. Specific Recognition. Gratitude is all the sweeter when the reasons for the gratitude are spelled out and acknowledged. Instead of: "Thanks for making dinner." Try: "I really appreciate that you made my favorite pasta tonight. When you remember and make the meals I like, I feel loved."

2. Character Appreciation. Expressions of gratitude can be opportunities to remind your spouse that you recognize their virtues and love and appreciate them. Instead of: "Thanks for taking care of the kids so I could finish that project." Try: "I love watching you with our children. Your patience and creativity demonstrate what an amazing parent you are."

3. Growth Recognition. It is especially important to express gratitude for efforts being made by your spouse to improve your relationship. Appreciating their efforts will hopefully embolden them to do more. Instead of: "Thanks for listening." Try: "I notice how much more present you are when we talk. When you are so attentive, I really feel special."

Making Gratitude a Daily Practice

In her practice, Dawna has sometimes recommended one or more of these concrete strategies for building gratitude into a couple's daily routine:

• Morning Connection. Start the day by sharing one thing you appreciate about your partner. Make it different each day. This sets a positive tone for your interactions.

• Appreciation Pauses. Take three 30-second breaks during your day to text or tell your partner something specific you value about them or something they've done.

• Evening Reflection. Before bed, share one way your partner made your day better. This helps end the day on a positive note and reinforces your connection.

• Written Expression. Leave notes, send texts, or keep a shared gratitude journal. Written appreciation can be especially powerful because your partner can return to it later.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

Relationships can be stressful. Gratitude is a good way to strengthen relationships, but not if we let our negative emotions poison our expressions of appreciation. Here's some things to watch out for:

1. Don't keep score Gratitude shouldn't be transactional. Express appreciation freely, without expecting immediate reciprocation.

2. Avoid qualifiers "Thanks for finally doing the dishes" undermines the appreciation. Keep it pure and positive.

3. Don't save it for special occasions The small, daily moments matter just as much as the big achievements.

4. Don't make assumptions Never assume your partner "just knows" you're grateful. Express it explicitly and often.

When Gratitude Feels Hard

Sometimes, especially during difficult periods, finding things to appreciate can feel challenging. This is normal. Start small:

• Acknowledge basic courtesies

• Recognize effort, even if the outcome wasn't perfect

• Appreciate intentions behind actions

• Remember past positive moments

  
  

Creating a Culture of Appreciation

The most successful couples I work with create what I call a "culture of appreciation" in their relationships. This means:

• Make gratitude a natural part of daily interaction

• Point out positive things about each other to friends and family

• Celebrate small wins and everyday moments

• Support each other's growth and acknowledging progress

  
  

Start Today

1. Right now, think of three things you appreciate about your partner that you haven't expressed recently.

2. Share one today, one tomorrow, and one the next day.

3. Notice how it feels – both to express appreciation and to receive it.

4. When all else fails, spell it out: 

   
   

   I appreciate ________ about you because  ________.

   I appreciate that you are so  ________ . It means  ________ to me. 

   I love that you  ________. 

The beauty of gratitude is that it creates a positive cycle: the more you express appreciation, the more you notice things to appreciate. This upward spiral can transform your relationship, one "thank you" at a time.

A Final Thought

Remember: A marriage nourished by regular gratitude isn't just happier; it's more resilient, more intimate, and more likely to stand the test of time.

 Photo by fauxels