The Voice That Matters: Avoiding Influences That Damage Relationships

Introduction

In today's hyper-connected world, relationships are bombarded by external voices that undermine authentic connection. Just as Jesus in this Sunday's Gospel taught "My sheep hear my voice... and they follow me," successful couples learn to recognize and follow the voice that truly matters amid the noise. Research shows that social media comparisons, unsolicited advice, and cultural expectations significantly decrease relationship satisfaction.

Couples who thrive intentionally practice "turning toward" each other instead of turning away, toward other voices. Creating technology boundaries, establishing communication protocols for processing outside opinions, and developing shared relationship rituals builds resilience against external pressures. The strongest relationships aren't those free from outside influence, but those where partners have developed the discernment to hear each other's voice above all others.

Understanding External Influences on Relationships

Research consistently shows that external voices significantly impact how we perceive and experience our intimate relationships. One recent review of 14 studies on social media's effects on relationships found that couples who reported higher levels of external influence also reported lower relationship satisfaction and higher conflict levels. These external influences generally fall into three categories:

1. Media Consumption and Relationship Expectations

What do we expect our relationships to be like? Our expectations are shaped by the images and narratives we consume in powerful ways. Multiple studies have demonstrated that regular consumption of highly idealized relationship portrayals in media was correlated with unrealistic relationship expectations and decreased satisfaction with ordinary relationship moments. When we constantly consume portrayals of perfect romance—whether in romantic comedies or on social media—we unconsciously begin to measure our own relationships against these often unattainable standards.

2. Social Comparison Theory in Relationships

Another false and dangerous voice is what relationship researchers call the "comparison trap"—where partners begin to evaluate their relationship based on how it appears relative to others rather than on its intrinsic value and strengths. Social comparison theory -- which studies the ways in which we define ourselves by comparing ourselves to others -- has found new relevance in the age of social media. One study discovered that individuals who engage in frequent social comparisons on social media platforms experience decreased self-esteem and relationship confidence.

3. Family-of-Origin Messages

But perhaps the most powerful external voices come from our families of origin. Gottman and Gottman have shown that unresolved family patterns and internalized messages from childhood significantly influence adult relationship dynamics. When partners bring competing family values, traditions, and expectations into their relationship, they may find themselves unconsciously following scripts that don't serve their unique bond.

The Science of Focused Attention

Fortunately, contemporary relationship science offers compelling evidence for the value of strategies that focus our attention on our relationships and our spouses:

1. Mindfulness and Relationship Satisfaction

A crucial approach to staying focused in your marriage is being fully present in the time you have together. Studies have found that found that mindfulness practice—the intentional focusing of attention on present experience—was associated with greater relationship satisfaction and improved conflict resolution. Partners who practice mindfulness develop the ability to notice when external voices are influencing their perceptions and can intentionally return their focus to what matters in their unique relationship.

2. Gottman's "Turning Toward" Concept

The Gottman Institute's extensive research has identified that successful couples develop habits of "turning toward" rather than "turning away" from each other's bids for connection. The Gottmans found found that couples who consistently turned toward each other's emotional bids had an 86% success rate in their relationships, compared to just 33% for those who habitually turned away. Turning toward requires intentional attention that isn't possible when external voices dominate.

3. Impact of Distraction on Emotional Connection

Some research demonstrates that the mere presence of mobile phones during intimate conversations reduces empathic connection and decreases relationship satisfaction. This suggests that creating spaces free from technological distraction is essential for deep connection.

Practical Strategies for Tuning Out Noise

So how can we put these strategies into action? Based on the research, and Dawna's clinical experience, we recommend the following strategies for reducing harmful external influences:

1. Create Media Boundaries as a Couple

Establishing shared agreements about technology use, social media engagement, and media consumption can significantly reduce harmful comparisons. Research had found that couples who created intentional technology boundaries reported higher relationship satisfaction. Consider:

• Device-free meals and outings

• Social media-free days or weekends

• Regular digital detoxes as a couple

In our own marriage, we have a simple practice: When we are together, our phones are in our pockets or on the charging table. If we want to use it, we announce our intention: "I'm going to quick check the weather." When we are done, the phone gets put back away. Occasionally, one of us will say, "Please don't. We're in the middle of a conversation. Look that up later." When that happens, the phone stays put away and we do not argue or discuss it.

2. Process Outside Influences as a Couple

When external voices do enter your relationship—as they inevitably will—having established communication protocols helps minimize damage.

First, develop a shared framework for evaluating outside input. This will empower you as a couple to benefit from helpful voices while filtering out harmful ones. Questions that foster discernment include:

• Does this advice honor both partners' needs and values?

• Does it strengthen our unique connection?

• Is it based on understanding our specific situation?

Second, take measures to ensure that no one is shut down, and that if one partner is triggered by something, the discussion does not escalate. The Speaker-Listener technique provides a structured approach for discussing sensitive topics, including external pressures and influences. Using this tool, the spouse with concerns speaks first, focusing on what they perceive and how it makes them feel. Their partner must then describe what they heard their spouse say, using their own words rather than simply parroting. Only when the speaker feels fully heard and acknowledged does the listener get their turn to be the speaker. (You can get a detailed account of how to use this in many relationship books, including Fighting For Your Marriage by Blumberg, Markman, and Stanley.

Your discussions will be enhanced if you are already certain about your own shared values. Taking time to explicitly discuss and document your relationship values creates a powerful filter for external voices. Because ultimately, the goal isn't complete isolation from outside input—which would be neither possible nor desirable—but rather developing shared discernment about what voices are worth listening to, and what voices should be discarded.

Conclusion

In a world of competing voices, relationships thrive when partners learn to recognize and respond to the voice that matters most—their commitment to each other. By understanding the science of external influence, identifying harmful voices, practicing focused attention, implementing practical boundaries, and building shared discernment, couples can create a relationship that remains authentic and connected despite external pressures.

The strongest relationships aren't those free from external influence, but rather those where partners have learned to hear these voices for what they are—input to be evaluated together rather than directives to be followed—while continuing to write their own unique relationship story.

Photo by Samson Katt