Don't Let Defensiveness Hurt Your Marriage

It's common for couples to blame their problems on external circumstances. Loss of income, illness, unexpected life changes, and other external factors are hurting our relationship, we insist. If not for those, we'd be fine.

But in this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus reminds us that it isn't these externals that harm our relationships. It's the ways we respond to these outside forces, and the ways we express our feelings to our partners in the face of them, that damage (or save!) our marriages.

"Nothing that enters one from outside can defile that person; but the things that come out from within are what defile."

Four ways that many of us respond to our spouses during times of stress are especially harmful: criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. These are so damaging that therapists can often predict whether a couple will survive just by counting how often they use them in a fight.

Defensiveness can be especially subtle. It seems only right that when we are accused we should defend ourselves, right?

Defensiveness happens when our spouse brings up an issue or concern or feeling that involves me, and my behavior and I respond by telling them that they are wrong to bring that up or to feel that way about my actions.

Here's what defensiveness sounds like:

• Wait a minute. That is not my fault.

• Really? You’re going to make a big deal out of that?

• I'm so sorry that I'm not perfect.

• You know, you do the exact same thing to me.

• Why am I always the bad guy? You think everything I do is wrong.

• You know, I have a list of things you do that irritate me too. I just don't always bring them up.

What is missing from every one of these statements is any actual interest in my spouse's experiences or feelings.

Defensiveness harms our relationships because when I am defensive I steals the focus from my spouse, who has expressed a concern or hurt feelings, and refocus attention onto me. By making myself the victim in our interaction, I steal the spotlight.

In doing so, I shut them down. I avoid having to listen to or deal with their feelings. In the short run, this can reduce conflict by getting them to drop the whole issue. Sometimes I can even shift the scenario to the point where my spouse apologizes to me. That's a win, right?

But in the long run, what we're doing is teaching our spouses that they can’t be comfortable bringing their feelings and needs to us. We are teaching them that we have no interest in understanding their perspective if it makes us uncomfortable. They are learning that they can’t trust us enough to be vulnerable with us.

Make it about them. Maybe you have a bunch of dissatisfactions with your spouse. But guess what? You didn't bring up your issue. They brought up theirs. This is about them, not you.

We must rein in our ego drama and the big emotions that may flood us when they suggest we're not perfect. This isn't about us and we must stop trying to convince them of our position and viewpoint. We don't want them walking on eggshells around us, hesitant to bring up their feelings and concerns for fear of waking the dragon.

"I can see that this is really important to you. Want to talk about it?

Show interest. Be curious about what they are experiencing or feeling, and show them that you understand their perspective.

"How did this make you feel? Why is it so important to you?"

Don't explain. Don't say, "I meant to put out the trash but then you asked me to come to dinner." Instead, reflect their concern:

"When I leave the trash until it is close to overflowing, you are worried I have forgotten and the trash will spill onto the floor creating a mess for you to clean up or remind me to clean up and I might get angry that you are making me clean it up."

Listen empathically. We must provide a safe space for our partners to bring up their feelings, needs or concerns. We do this by listening to our partner's perspective and empathizing with them. Often, things that may seem trivial to us, may have trigger deep emotional responses in them (and this goes both ways).

"Because you were the oldest, your parents expected you to jump in and pick up after your sister and brother, without being asked and with no thanks. When I treat chores too lightly, you start to feel taken for granted like you were as a child."

Create a safe zone. Perhaps you really feel attacked. Perhaps your spouse really struggles to express their needs of feelings without criticism, blame or name calling. And of course, that’s wrong. But in spite of how poorly they express it, they are often trying to share a feeling or concern with us, and when we default to defensiveness, we shut them down or dismiss them.

If you can't deal with your spouse's issue in the moment because you feel flooded with emotions, choose a time and place when you will be able to listen.

"I understand this is important to you, but I'm really upset right now that you yelled at me. Let me take an hour to calm down, and then I'll listen to your feelings over a cup of coffee, okay? I'll make the coffee."

Of course, if you've followed this blog for very long, you know we are strong advocates of a weekly marriage check-in meeting as a safe place for these issues.

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay