Don't Put Your Trust to the Test

Faith is hard. Trust is hard. And if faith in God can be a challenge, how much more can it be difficult to maintain our faith in our spouses, day in and day out?

This Sunday's Gospel describes how, in the wilderness, Satan tempted Jesus to test God's protection. Jesus responded with clarity: "You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test." Because love demands faith.

In our marriages, we sometimes fall into the trap of testing our spouses. These tests rarely look dramatic. They're small traps spouses set: leaving cash on the counter to see if your spouse reports spending it, checking phone records to verify whereabouts, creating fake social media accounts to see if a partner would respond to flirtation. We even know of a husband who fabricated a week-long business trip to see if his wife would cheat on him if he was away.

Often these tests are created after a spouse has violated trust: getting the family into financial trouble, flirting with an ex, hiding online behaviors. But setting traps to see if they've truly mended their ways does not rebuild trust.

Each test sends the same message: I don't trust you, so I'm gathering evidence. And here's the thing: even if your spouse passes every test, and they never learn about your suspicions, you are damaging your own character by indulging in these doubts.

The Research on Trust and Surveillance

Research confirms this. In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, psychologist Laura Luchies and colleagues made two important findings. The first is common sense: violating our spouse's trust creates a cascade of negative effects in marriages.

But they also found that attempting to restore trust through monitoring and testing actually undermined the relationships rather than improving them. Partners who engaged in surveillance behaviors reported lower relationship satisfaction over time, and their spouses reported feeling less valued and respected.

The irony is sharp: the very behavior we think will rebuild trust actually erodes it further. Testing your spouse communicates that you've already judged them untrustworthy. It replaces the vulnerability required for genuine intimacy with the cold mechanics of surveillance.

Building Trust Through Vulnerability

If testing damages trust, what builds it? The answer lies in deliberate, mutual vulnerability.

One effective practice comes from research on emotional attunement in couples. Set aside fifteen minutes weekly for what researchers call a "stress-reducing conversation."

Here's how it works: One partner shares something stressful from outside the marriage (work, family, health concerns) while the other listens without offering solutions, only support. The listener's job is to understand and validate, asking questions like "How did that make you feel?" or "What's the hardest part about this for you?" Then switch roles.

This exercise, studied extensively by the Gottman Institute, builds trust not through testing but through consistent, low-stakes opportunities to be heard and supported. You learn that your spouse shows up for you, not because you've checked their location or scrolled through their messages, but because they choose connection over and over in small moments.

Choosing Trust Over Testing

When we test our spouses, we position ourselves as investigators and judges rather than partners. We trade intimacy for information.

Trust isn't proven through surveillance; it's built through choosing vulnerability, extending grace, and showing up consistently for one another. In marriage, as in faith, trust is not the conclusion of tests passed but the foundation on which love is built.