Working It: Marriage as a Labor of Love

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus tells the story of a father who asks his two sons to work in his vineyard. The first says no, then thinks better of it and goes. The second says yes, and never shows up. When Jesus asks which son did his father's will, the answer is obvious.

But it's worth noticing something both sons share: neither one told the truth about himself in the moment he spoke. One made a promise he had no intention of keeping. The other refused a job he would end up doing anyway. Both, in their own way, failed to let their words and their actions line up.

It's tempting to read this as a lesson about honesty in conversation: "are we communicating well with each other clearly? Do we let our yes mean yes, and our no mean no?".

But the deeper question the parable poses to married couples is different: Have we said yes to what marriage asks of us, and then quietly stopped showing up for it? Or, have we in a moment of resentment or fatigue, said no to some part of that calling, only to find grace pulling us back into the work anyway?

Working It

Because marriage is work. In Church teaching, marriage is a sacrament of vocation. A vocation, in this sense, means a call from God to a particular kind of work. And the purpose of that work is to love our spouse so greatly that we make ourselves more fit for heaven.

Saint Paul doesn't leave us guessing about what that work looks like: love is patient, kind, not irritable or resentful; it bears, believes, hopes, and endures (1 Corinthians 13:4–7). That's the rubric. That's the performance evaluation for the job we've been called to do.

So the question isn't which son we resemble on a given day, but whether our life, taken as a whole, is working in the vineyard our Father has called us to work in.

Work, Commitment, and Trust

And here's an interesting thing. There's research showing that we strengthen our marriage by building trust when we do the work we're called to. Psychologists Francesca Righetti and Catrin Finkenauer found that what most reliably builds a partner's trust isn't a promise but the perceived follow-through behind it. Trust is at its strongest, they found, when our spouse sees us exhibit self-control by doing something difficult or inconvenient in order to keep a commitment.

Trust is weakened when we're the son who says yes but fails to follow through. It's built on the one who shows up in the field, even if they initially say no. And the spouse who makes promises and follows through consistently is the most trusted of all.

The State of Your Union

One practical way to close the gap between intention and action is one we've talked about before: a structured weekly check-in, what we call the "state of our union" meeting in our own marriage.

We started our "state of our union" meetings 29 years into our marriage and they were a game changer for us. Like ours, your meetings will evolve over time. Here's one way to organize a couple's check-in meeting to get started:

1. Schedule it and protect it. Choose a consistent time each week: Sunday evening, Friday morning, whenever works for your schedule. Put it on the calendar like any important appointment. No phones, no TV, no children interrupting. This is sacred time for your marriage.

   
   

2. Opening Prayer Center yourselves in God's enduring Grace as you begin to talk about your union.

   
   

3. Express appreciation (5 minutes). Each spouse begins by sharing specific things they appreciated about the other that week. Not generic statements ("you're great") but concrete observations ("I noticed you made coffee for me three mornings this week even though you were running late" or "Thank you for listening when I was stressed about work on Tuesday").

   
   

   Starting with positivity reminds you why you're together and what's working. It creates a sense of safety for harder conversations.

   
   

4. Intention for the coming week (5 minutes) This is what you are carefully practicing to change negative habits. "This week I will lower my voice and soften my tone when I feel irritated with you" or "This week I will put my clothes in the hamper instead of leaving them in the bathroom when I shower."

   
   

5. Share an "unresolved issue" or request (10-15 minutes). Each spouse can raise one issue. This cannot be an attack on your spouse, but should be framed as a request for change or connection. Use "I" statements focused on your needs, not "you" statements about their failures. This is where spouses can raise their feelings of hurt and mistrust caused by failed commitments.

   
   

   The rule: Listen to understand, not to defend or fix. Reflect back what you hear. Don't respond or explain your side until your spouse says they feel completely heard and understood. Even if you can't resolve the issue in that moment, acknowledging your spouse's experience builds connection.

   
   

6. Preview the week together (10-15 minutes). Discuss logistical issues like upcoming appointments, children's needs, household tasks, financial decisions. This helps prevent those issues from popping up unexpectedly and turning into sources of conflict. Creating plans together for dealing with household needs builds teamwork. This is where concrete commitments are made, and where the tasks a spouse has failed to follow through on become inescapably obvious.

   
   

7. Plan connection (5 minutes). Intentionally schedule time together for the coming week—a date, a walk, shared prayer, intimate time together. Don't leave connection to chance.

   
   

8. Close with affirmation. End by expressing love and commitment to each other. Physical affection—a hug, a kiss—seals the time together. We always conclude by asking each other a question: "What's one thing I can do this week that will help you in your vocation of marriage?"

Going to Work

G.K. Chesterton once observed: "the Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried."

The notion that difficult ideals fail not because they're tested and found wanting, but because they're found demanding and left untried applies to our relationships as well. Most marriages don't fail because of something wrong with the marriage itself, but because the couple failed to attempt it fully.

The call to marriage is a call to labor. We are not asked for loving words (although they are always appreciated!), but for a love that keeps us walking back into the vineyard to do the work.