We Knew This Was Coming. Why Weren’t We Ready?

"What time will you be home tonight?" Mark asked. "The usual time," Dawna responded, puzzled. "Around nine pm."

"Oh," Mark said, disappointed. "I was hoping we could spend some time tonight talking about what this new baby is going to mean for us."

When Dawna was expecting our first child, she was regularly taking stock of the changes in her body, attending to her emotional highs and lows, and thinking about what this arrival of the new member of the family would mean for our lives.

Mark? Not so much. He was going with Dawna to buy the child car carrier, blankets, diapers, and other things they'd need, but he was also working full time, and planning for the shift to his PhD program.

One evening during her fifth month, Dawna took Mark's hand and placed it on her belly. He felt the baby moving in her womb.

The next day he is when he called her. Suddenly the baby felt real. Suddenly it wasn't just the physical arrival of a child that he had to plan for; it was the emotional reality of having a new member of the family to love and care for. And he wasn't sure he was prepared.

Anticipation and Preparation

In Sunday's Gospel, ten bridesmaids await the coming of the bridegroom. Only five bring extra oil for their lamps. The others are caught unprepared.

The difference between the two groups of women is not what they anticipate, but how they prepare. And while Jesus’ parable concerns readiness for his coming, it also raises a useful question for our marriages: Are we preparing only for what will happen, or also for what it will mean to each other?

When a baby is coming, retirement approaches, or a parent needs more care, practical arrangements deserve attention. We need budgets, schedules, and decisions about responsibilities. But knowing who will do what is only part of being ready. We also need to prepare emotionally, both as individuals, and as a couple.

Buying a crib is one kind of preparation. Asking your spouse what they fear about becoming a parent is preparation of another kind. And both are crucially important.

Prepare for the person, not just the event

The same transition can carry different hopes and fears for each spouse. One may imagine retirement as freedom to travel together; the other may worry about losing purpose. One may welcome a move as a fresh start; the other may fear loneliness and leaving friends behind.

When we have a major transition coming, we shouldn't agree on a practical plan without also recognizing these differences. Preparing together doesn't just mean listing the things that need doing. It also mean exploring what each of you hope to gain, fear losing, and what you need one another to understand.

Research on the transition to parenthood supports attention to this relational dimension. In a longitudinal study, psychologists found higher marital satisfaction among wives becoming mothers when their husbands clearly expressed their affection for their wives, and both spouses spent time talking about one another's feeling.

Retirement research offers another example: spouses’ support for each other’s interests and opportunities led to better adjustment to retirement. Preparing for retirement means spouses must not only attend to finances, but also to what each of them hopes this next stage will make possible.

Overall, many studies suggest that how couples respond to stress together matters for relationship satisfaction. Communicating worries is part of that process, but so is offering support and approaching difficulties as a shared challenge. This research suggests again and again that knowing and valuing each other matters as much as preparing to manage the logistics of forthcoming changes.

Try a “Hopes, Fears, and Plans” conversation

If you have an upcoming life transition to discuss, and aren't sure where to begin, try this:

Set aside 30 minutes to discuss one approaching change. Take turns answering these questions:

• What are you looking forward to?

• What worries you, including anything that feels difficult to admit?

• What do you hope will stay the same between us?

• What would help you feel supported?

Here's the crucial step: Each of you must listen before offering solutions. Summarize what you hear: “You’re excited about having a baby, but you’re afraid we’ll lose time together. Have I understood?”

Understanding your spouse’s fear does not require immediately removing it. Make sure you ask before moving to solutions: “Would you like me to listen more, or shall we think about what might help?”

Next, connect understanding to action. If your spouse fears isolation after a move, discuss ways to maintain friendships. If retirement raises concerns about independence, talk about time together and apart.

Finish with one practical agreement and a date to revisit it. Your aim is readiness: a workable plan informed by what matters to both of you.

Making room for the unknown

Our marriage vows commit us to a future whose details we cannot know. Preparing for that future means more than making to-do lists and getting our finances squared away. It means making room for each other’s inner lives. We can't bring certainty to every transition, but we can bring a willingness to listen, understand, and respond to one another with love.