Learning to Be a Peacemaker
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9).
When we hear this beatitude, we may think of a diplomat who negotiates a treaty to end a war, or a community organizer who arranges a face-to-face restorative justice circle between gang leaders and community members.
But for most of us, the place to make peace is much closer to home: across the kitchen table, while driving together in the car, or late at night after a hard conversation.
Marriage is a vocation of daily peacemaking. The good news is that it's not a rare gift. It's a skill, and any couples can learn it.
What the Research Shows
Many couples mistakenly believe a good marriage is one with little or no conflict.
Decades of research tell a different story. Psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues have studied thousands of couples, and they found that happy and unhappy couples both argue.
What sets lasting marriages apart is not whether couples fight but how they recover.
Relationship experts call these recovery moves repair attempts. A repair attempt is any word or action that keeps tension from escalating. It might be a joke, a gentle touch, an apology, or simply saying, “Can we start over?”
In their research, Gottman and his colleague Nan Silver found that the success or failure of these repair attempts was one of the strongest predictors of whether a marriage would thrive or struggle. In a study of newlyweds, couples who stayed happily married were more likely to calm and soothe each other during conflict, rather than escalate it.
Notice that repair has two halves. One spouse must offer the olive branch, and the other must accept it. Many repair attempts fail not because they are clumsy but because the other partner is too flooded or hurt to receive them.
Build Your Repair Toolkit
Choose a calm, unhurried time (not right after an argument!) and sit down together with a sheet of paper.
Reflect on the past. Each of you recall a time when the other person calmed a tense moment. What did they say or do? Share these memories with each other.
Create a list. Together, list five to ten repair phrases that feel natural to you both. Examples: “I’m feeling defensive. Can we slow down?” “You’re right about that part.” “I love you, even though I’m frustrated.” “Let’s take a twenty-minute break and come back.”
Agree on a signal. Choose one word or gesture that means, “I’m reaching for peace.” Promise each other that when you hear it, you will pause and try to receive it.
Post it. Keep the list somewhere visible, such as on the refrigerator or in your phones.
Review monthly. Often phrases that sound great when you are calmly planning, don't work in an actual argument, when tempers flare. Keep track of which phrases work, eliminate those that don't work, and add new ones.
Practicing during calm moments makes repair far easier during difficult ones.
A Closing Reflection
In Church teaching, marriage is a sacrament, a living sign of God’s faithful love. That love is proven by the willingness to reconcile again and again.
Every time you offer a repair, or receive one, you take part in Christ’s own work of peacemaking. And in those small, ordinary moments, your home becomes a place where the beatitude is lived out.
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