The Trap of Being Right
"I feel like I’m doing everything with the kids," Maria told her husband late one evening.
Dan didn't hear her exhaustion. He heard an accusation, and he had his defense ready.
“Tuesday I did bath time. Wednesday I did pickup. Saturday I took them to soccer.”
Every item is true. Maria is silenced, and Dan feels a small surge of satisfaction: case closed.
Until a few weeks later, when Dan forgot to call the plumber. Maria produced a text from March in which he promised he would. She'd been saving it. Again, she was right.
Neither of them lied, which is what makes this kind of trap so hard to see. The facts were true, but they were used to win rather than to understand. Dan never asked what Maria’s week had been like, and Maria never asked what was behind the forgotten call. They were both so busy proving a point that neither could hear the other’s problems
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Setting the Trap
In this Sunday's Gospel, the Pharisees send their disciples, along with the Herodians, to trap Jesus. They open with flattery, then pose a question built to have no safe answer: is it lawful to pay the census tax to Caesar? Say yes, and he sides with the occupier. Say no, and he defies Rome.
Jesus sees through the scheme and answers: "Repay to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God."
The plan fails because the questioners have misjudged the man in front of them. They assume he is a rival to be cornered, and that assumption blinds them to who he really is.
Married couples can make the same mistake.
The Trap at Home
Few spouses plot like the Pharisees, but hurt and anger can push us toward the same behaviors. After a painful argument, one partner may start gathering evidence: saving the text that contradicts what he said last week, asking a question she already knows the answer to, or waiting for him to break the rule he insists on.
Quietly, the goal shifts from solving a problem to winning a case. A "gotcha" offers a brief rush of relief. It confirms we were right and lets us feel morally superior. But it leaves our spouse cornered and defensive, and the original hurt goes unaddressed.
For Dan and Maria, as for many other couples I've seen over the years, the continued effort to "catch" one another in a falsehood, a contradiction, or an error is rooted in a deeper problem: they each see the other in the most negative light. Their efforts are designed to prove to themselves, and their spouse, that this vison is a true one.
But is it?
What the Research Shows
Psychologists call the explanations we give for a partner's behavior attributions. Is he late because traffic was bad, or because he doesn't care?
Karney and Bradbury (2000) followed 60 newlywed couples through their first four years of marriage. Spouses who explained negative events by blaming their partner's character, seeing the problem as intentional and lasting, tended to grow less satisfied over time. The influence ran both ways: harsher explanations fed unhappiness, and unhappiness fed harsher explanations.
Once we have decided our spouse is selfish or dishonest, we start looking for proof, and setting traps to find it. Like the Pharisees, we get the person wrong before we ever ask the question.
Try This: The Second Story
When you notice the urge to catch your spouse out, pause and work through these steps before raising the issue.
Name your story. Write one sentence stating what you believe: "She forgot the appointment because my priorities don't matter to her."
Write two more. List at least two other plausible explanations that don't assume bad character. Perhaps she was swamped at work, or thought the date had moved.
Ask, don't test. Raise the matter with an honest question instead of a trap: "I was hurt that you didn't make the appointment. What happened?"
Let the answer revise you. Listen, and adjust your story to fit what you hear.
We can help each other build this habit. Any time your spouse gives you the benefit of the doubt, thank them.
Love Rejoices in the Truth
St. Paul tells us that love "does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:6). The Catechism, echoing St. Thomas Aquinas, puts it simply: to love is to will the good of another.
A trap seeks our spouse's failure. Love seeks their flourishing. Jesus did not answer his questioners with a counter-trap. He answered with a truth that lifted the conversation toward God.
In marriage, the better question is never "How can I prove you wrong?" It is "What is best for you, and for us?"
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