Asking for Help Before You Sink

We recently visited our daughter's church, several states away. After mass, we met with Deacon Mike to discuss his church's marriage ministry.

Like Dawna, Deacon Mike had a degree in marriage and family counseling. He practiced regularly with couples from the church. But he shook his head sadly:

"Unfortunately, most couples don't seek help until it's too late."

In this Sunday's Gospel, Peter steps out of the boat and walks toward Jesus across open water. He manages several steps before the wind unsettles him and he begins to sink. His cry is short: "Lord, save me." Jesus reaches out and catches him immediately.

That story holds a plain lesson for our marriages. Peter did not wait until he was fully underwater to call out. He asked for help the moment he started to falter, and he was caught at once.

The danger lies in the waiting, not in the asking.

How Long Couples Wait

How long do most couples wait to see a therapist? A study of 270 couples published in 2021 and measured found that the gap between the onset of serious problems and the start of couples therapy averages 2.68 years, and most most people seeking individual therapy for relationship problems entered treatment within two years of when the trouble began.

Two and a half years is a long time to carry unresolved conflict inside a marriage. It is long enough for a single recurring argument to become a script both spouses know by heart. It's long enough for silence to replace honest conversation as the default response to hurt. By the time a couple reaches a therapist's office, the complaint they are focused on, whether money, a parenting disagreement, or a betrayal, is usually accompanied by a history of small hurts that went unspoken.

Waiting this long is not a sign that a marriage is unraveling quickly. But waiting more than two years usually leaves damage that could have been prevented had the couple sought support a year or two earlier.

The goal is not to be the marriage that never struggles. It is to shorten the distance between noticing a problem and doing something about it.

Knowing You Need Help

One activity with strong research support behind it is a short weekly check-in.

• Set aside 20 minutes, once a week, phones out of the room.

• Each spouse takes a turn answering three questions:

  1. What went well between us this week?

  2. What felt hard?

  3. What do you need from me going forward?

• The other spouse's job is to listen without defending or fixing. Save problem-solving for a separate conversation if one is needed.

The goal of this exercise is not to resolve every issue in twenty minutes. It is to make sure small frustrations get named before they compound into the criticism, contempt, and stonewalling that longitudinal research links most strongly to divorce.

Couples who build in a regular, low-stakes moment to say "something felt hard this week" rarely need a rescue years later. They have been calling out for help all along, quietly and on schedule.

Couples who find themselves dealing with the same issue week after week, realize that it is time to seek help, without having developed devastating habits of sullen silences, escalating anger, or stonewalling.

(This is a simple, straightforward check-in approach recommended by many therapists. We also strongly recommend that couples use an even more robust weekly check-in called a "State of Our Union" meeting).

Reaching Back

Peter's cry from the water was not a failure of faith. It was faith, applied at the right moment. He knew where to turn, and he turned there right away.

Marriage asks the same of us. A weekly check-in with your spouse, a call to a counselor, a conversation with a priest or trusted mentor: none of these signal that a marriage is failing. They are the ordinary means by which a marriage stays afloat. The hand that reaches back is rarely far away.

The real risk is not asking for help too soon. It is waiting until the water is over your head.