What's The Single Most Important Quality In A Spouse?

What is the single most important characteristic a romantic partner can have? Psychologists call it "self-transcendence." The Church calls it love.

According to a 2024 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, marital compatibility lies in shared personal values that serve as guiding principles for us as individuals and couples. And among these, one value stands out in particular: self-transcendence: the capacity to move beyond your own needs and desires in order to serve others..

In this weeks Gospel, Jesus says that in the Kingdom of Heaven, greatness comes through service, and the greatest is the "slave of all." In Church teaching, to be the slave of all translates to mutual respect and mutual submission in marriage.

Jesus call is echoed in this study, entitled "Values in Romantic Relationships," which found that holding self-transcendence values—that is, values that motivate us to look beyond ourselves in order to act for the benefit of others —was strongly and consistently correlated with greater romantic relationships.

In the study, self-transcendence comprises two major principles:

1. Universalism. A shared concern for the welfare of others, and a deep respect for each other’s perspectives and backgrounds.

2. Benevolence. Putting your partner’s needs before your own, offering emotional support during tough times and making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.

In other words, self-transcendence consists of mutual respect, and mutual submission.

The study contrasts the principle of self-transcendence with the principle of self-enhancement. Self-enhancement values are centered on personal achievement and success. The study found that while self-transcendence enhances the relationship, self-enhancement had negligible effects on relationship quality.

This becomes particularly clear when partners have conflicting desires.

Picture this: It's Friday, and your partner has been looking forward to spending the weekend together doing something fun like going hiking or watching a movie marathon together. However, you’ve been planning to dedicate your weekend to working on a project that will really reduce your work stress you've been under.

You might feel your partner is the one being inconsiderate by not respecting your need to focus on your project. On the other hand, your partner might see you as the one being selfish for not prioritizing quality time together. Each of you may find yourselves thinking: “Why are they being so selfish? Why can’t they see where I’m coming from?”

“When faced with challenges in a relationship, it's easy to blame the other person," the authors of the study point out. "But sometimes, in more reflective moments, we might recognize how our own attitudes and actions play a role. Still, we rarely think about how our personal values influence the situation.”

In this kind of situation, even if you and your partner usually get along well, you could hit a roadblock. You might both have the skills to communicate calmly and respectfully, but that doesn’t guarantee the conflict will be resolved. The issue isn't that one of you is emotionally distant or that you don't enjoy the same activities. The real problem lies in a clash of values.

This is where the difference between "self-transcendence" and "self-enhancement" comes into play. One of you may prioritize the relationship and shared experiences, while the other is more focused on personal achievements and individual goals.

If both partners valued self-transcendence, they might handle this differently.

For instance, one person might suggest working on the project together while spending time with the other, or they could agree to split the weekend—one day for the project and the other day for hiking in the woods. Instead of labeling each other as selfish, they would recognize and respect each other's values and make an effort to find common ground. This requires stepping out of your own perspective to genuinely consider the other person’s needs.

In the end, the single most important characteristic in a romantic partner isn’t wealth, status, or even shared interests—it’s the ability to put each other first.

True love, whether defined by psychologists as self-transcendence or by the Church as service to one another, means setting aside personal desires to lift up your partner. When both people are willing to transcend their own needs for the sake of the relationship, conflicts become opportunities for growth, and love transforms from a feeling into a powerful, lasting bond.