What Kind of Servant Are You?

"I'm eager to help with our kids when I get home," Lisa said earnestly. "I just need John to tell me what he wants and I'll do it right away."

Dawna was amused. She'd heard similar words many times in her counseling practice, but always before they'd been said by men. Apparently it wasn't purely a gender issue--it had more to do with the fact that in most marriages one spouse in the marriage is the primary parent. In Lisa's marriage, Will worked from home as a graphic designer, while Lisa worked as an office manager outside the home. Will took care of most of the domestic chores, especially managing their two children's activities. When she got home, she was willing to pitch in as long as Will let her know what to do.

Will wasn't happy about that. He wanted her to be more of an equal partner. She complained that she couldn't read his mind.

We are called as spouses to serve one another, but we are not called to be the other's servant. Jesus addresses this in Sunday's Gospel, offering a parable about servants who, after completing their assigned duties, are reminded they have only done what was expected—nothing deserving special praise. This teaching offers profound insight for marriage: doing the bare minimum doesn't make us exceptional spouses.

Consider a well-meaning partner like Lisa who says, "Just tell me what you want me to do, honey, and I'll do it." While this sounds helpful, it actually places an invisible burden on their spouse—the exhausting work of thinking, planning, and directing household life. This is what relationship experts call "mental load" or "cognitive labor," and it's often unequally distributed in relationships.

Being a Productive Servant

When one spouse consistently manages the family calendar, remembers medical appointments, tracks what groceries are needed, or notices when children have outgrown their clothes, they're carrying the mental load. The other spouse may willingly help when asked, but for an already overwhelmed partner, having to ask just becomes another chore.

Research consistently shows that relationships thrive when both partners take genuine ownership of their shared life. This means:

• Anticipating needs rather than waiting for instructions

• Taking initiative in areas you've agreed to handle

• Remembering important details without being reminded

• Planning ahead instead of reacting to crises

  
  

From Servant to Partner

True partnership means moving beyond "I'll do whatever you tell me" to "I see what needs doing, and I'll handle it." If you've agreed to manage the children during your spouse's business trip, you shouldn't need detailed instructions about meals, bedtimes, or activities. If garbage collection is what you signed up for, you notice pickup day approaching without reminders.

This shift requires the ability to see and understand your partner's perspective and mental burden. It means developing your own relationship with household management, child-rearing, and family logistics.

Practical Steps Toward True Partnership

If your spouse is managing more of the family's activities than you are, lighten their load. Start by taking inventory of one area your spouse currently manages. If they handle social planning, spend a week observing what this actually involves—tracking RSVPs, coordinating schedules, following up with friends. Then propose taking full ownership of this domain.

For those chores that are already your responsibility, create your own systems rather than relying on your spouse's reminders. Set phone alerts for recurring responsibilities, maintain your own calendar of family events, and develop personal routines for your areas of responsibility.

Finally, practice proactive communication. Instead of asking "What needs to be done?" try "I noticed we're low on groceries, so I'll shop tomorrow" or "I'll handle getting Sarah's permission slip signed and returned." This demonstrates you're thinking alongside your partner, not just waiting for direction.

And if you screw up? Don't defend yourself. Don't explain unless they ask. Just apologize sincerely, figure out what went wrong, and try a new system to make sure you don't make the same mistake the next time.

A is for Excellence

"If you do everything assigned to you, and you do it correctly, you should earn a grade of B," Mark tells his students. "As are reserved for those who do more than they have to."

Just as Mark's students are called to excel, and the servants in Jesus' parable were expected to do more than their basic duties, exceptional spouses are those who go beyond mere compliance. They become co-managers of their shared life, equal partners in the beautiful complexity of building a family together.

And when we truly partner with our spouse—sharing not just tasks but the thinking behind them—marriage can becomes less about duty and more about genuine collaboration in love.