The Mustard Seed in Your Marriage

Some years ago we listened to a recording by a relationship expert who proposed something we found a little controversial: thank your spouse for doing the things they're supposed to do.

Dawna was supposed to that Mark for taking out the garbage when that was a chore he's agreed to do? Mark was supposed to thank Dawna for doing the laundry when that was the chore she'd agreed to do every week?

The answer was yes, for two reasons.

1. First, whether it's an agreed upon household task or not, it's healthy to acknowledge that adherence to the rules you set up is a choice, a positive act for the good of the relationship, and acknowledged as such.

2. The second reason was that it is healthy for us as individuals to be grateful rather than taking our spouses for granted.

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus tells three stories back to back: a farmer who lets weeds and wheat grow side by side until harvest, a mustard seed that becomes the largest of garden plants, and a pinch of yeast that leavens an entire batch of dough. Read together, these parables describe the kingdom of heaven itself. Christ's Church starts small and hidden, and it grows, slowly and unevenly, into something vast.

The image scales down as easily as it scales up. Your family is a small church within the larger one. Your marriage is a small church within your family. And you, as an individual, carry the kingdom within you too, in whatever state of wheat and weeds your own heart is in.

The same patience Christ asks of us regarding the Church, he asks of us at every smaller size: toward our spouse, our children, and ourselves.

That patience has research behind it.

Planting Seeds

Psychologist Sara Algoe studies gratitude, and her work points to something the mustard seed parable already knew: the smallest gesture, planted at the right moment, can outgrow its size.

Algoe's "find, remind, and bind" theory holds that gratitude does three things in a relationship.

1. First, it helps you find a partner worth keeping, by noticing when a potential spouse acts on your behalf.

2. Second, it reminds you of that value in an ongoing way, refreshing your sense of the relationship's worth even on ordinary days.

3. And third, it binds the two of you closer, because a partner who feels genuinely thanked responds by investing more in the relationship going forward.

In a study of romantic couples, Algoe and her colleagues found that expressing gratitude for a partner's responsive behavior predicted higher relationship satisfaction and connection the following day, for both the person expressing thanks and the person receiving it. The effect wasn't limited to grand gestures. Ordinary acts of noticing and naming them mattered most.

A single word of thanks is a small seed. Said again the next day, and the day after, it becomes something else entirely.

An exercise: The Nightly Seed

Before you turn off the light each night, tell your spouse one specific thing you noticed them do that day. Not a general compliment. A specific moment:

• "You helped the kids with their homework even though you were tired."

• "You let me finish my thought at dinner instead of jumping in when I went off on a long tangent."

• "You finally finished that project I've been anxious about"

Keep it to one sentence. Don't turn it into a conversation about the day's larger frustrations, and don't use it to soften a complaint you're saving for later. The point is narrower than that: name one seed your spouse planted for you today, and say so out loud.

Do this for two weeks before judging whether it works. A mustard seed looks like nothing the day it's planted.

Growing toward the harvest

Christ didn't ask the mustard seed to become a tree overnight, and he doesn't ask that of your marriage either. He asks for the seed: a small, repeated, faithful act of gratitude for the person beside you. The Church grows this way, our families grow this way, and so do we, one ordinary evening at a time.