Learning To Love From Our Aha Moments

Several years ago Dawna stood in front of the fireplace at Frank Lloyd Wright's architecural masterpiece Falling Waters and learned something new about her father. She recognized in that moment the origins of the fireplace her father designed for the family home she grew up in. She learned, years after his death, that he admired Frank Lloyd Wright.

Aha moments come to us when truth is revealed and our perspective suddenly changes and we see the world in a new way.

Aha moments can be as trivial as a trick drawing in which one can see a young woman or an old crone.

Or they can be as profound as a metaphor that let's you understand love as a battlefield, or a rose.

In this week's Gospel the crowds following Jesus in the Decapolis region had such an ah-ha moment when they saw that "He has done all things well. He makes the deaf hear and the mute speak." They saw Jesus in a new way.

Ah-ha moments change our perspectives. They transform us. They transform our relationships. And sometimes, a-ha moments don't just happen. We need to look for them

Often, things that seem relatively unimportant to us, trigger huge emotional reactions in our spouses. Likewise, we are often puzzled that our spouses fail to react to issues that to us are obviously a huge deal. We speak of these as "emotional triggers."

Emotional triggers are stimuli or experiences that evoke strong emotional reactions in us. These triggers typically stem from deep vulnerabilities caused by past traumas, and negative experiences, including childhood memories of rejection, loss, criticism, betrayal, and abandonment can power intense emotional reactions in the present.

When we are triggered, we may respond with heightened emotions like anger, fear, sadness, or anxiety. These can overwhelm us in ways that affect our thoughts, and actions. During these moments of "flooding," we may not know how to calm ourselves down.

Some couples deal with one anothers' triggers by threading carefully through the minefield. They show their love for their spouses by avoiding the things that they know will trigger tears, anger, or unhappiness.

But there's another way. Spouses can explore their triggers together. We can turn these discussions into aha moments.

When you explore with your spouse where their triggers come from -- foundational experiences including excessive criticism, little to no physical demonstrations of love, lack of gift giving... you may gain a revelation of who they are as other and where they are coming from.

If you are the spouse who has been triggered, here are four steps to help your partner better understand you.

1. Recognize when you’re getting triggered. Try to soothe yourself. Focus on taking deep, calming breaths, and maintaining your composure. If you need a time out to to avoid a confrontation, tell your partner that you need some time to gather your thoughts.

2. Acknowledge that your feelings are valid. Try to examine them. What caused you to have this strong reaction? Did something your spouse said or did trigger memories of behaviors that made you feel unsafe or unloved in the past?

3. Remind yourself of your spouse’s best qualities. Recall high points in your relationship. Try to put your spouse's words and action in perspective.

4. Communicate with your partner. Tell them what triggered you. Then tell them why. Help them understand where this deep pool of feeling is coming from.

If you are a spouse surprised that your partner has been triggered by something you said or did that seemed innocuous, here are some tips for you:

1. Don't hit back. For many people, their first reaction to their partner's apparently over the top emotion is with some kind of counter punch to shut down the interaction. This may involve fighting with them, closing off and giving them the silent treatment, or turning away and withdrawing.

2. Soothe yourself. Focus on taking deep, calming breaths, and maintaining your composure. Reassure yourself that what you said or did was not worthy of this level of response; therefore, this isn't about you.

3. Respond empathically. Summarizing your spouse's words to confirm that you are listening and that you understand them. Acknowledge and validate your partner's emotions by reflecting the feelings you hear behind their words.

4. Reassure them that you love them.

5. Ask them to explain what it was in your words or actions that triggered such a huge response. When they explain, again use reflective listening and empathic responses to let them know that you hear them and understand them.

Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Waters. Photo by Dawna Peterson.