Humility As A Tactic In Your Relationship

In this week's Gospel, a Canaanite woman approaches Jesus, begging him to heal her demon-possessed daughter. At first he ignores her; then he makes a comment that seems to compare her to a dog.

Most of us, treated this way, would either walk away wounded or fire back defensively. She does neither. Instead, she leans into his insult, saying "even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

In that moment of radical humility, without an ounce of self-abasement or capitulation, she gets exactly what she came for: Jesus marvels at her faith and heals her daughter.

Stepping Down

The Canaanite woman adopts what therapists call a "one-down position": staying low, non-defensive, and clear about your need, even when the other person's response stings. It's not weakness. The woman never stops advocating for her daughter. She simply refuses to let the exchange become a contest.

Harsh words from a partner usually prick our pride, and seem to demand an assertive, or even aggressive response. Yet married couples who rush to defend themselves in every conflict by insisting on explaining, counter-attacking, or otherwise protecting their ego, tend to see their conflicts escalate.

Worse, over time, defensive couples find that their overall marital satisfaction declines.

On the other hand, research on humility in couples has found something closer to what the Canaanite woman modeled. In a study of romantic partners, humility was associated with greater relationship satisfaction and forgiveness, and these associations were explained by increased commitment to the relationship.

In other words: when one partner responds to friction with humility rather than defensiveness, it tends to deepen the couple's commitment to each other, which in turn strengthens satisfaction and the capacity to forgive.

Humility is not tolerating disrespect. Humility involves separating your ego from your need.

The woman in the Gospel could have taken Jesus's comment as a reason to leave, or as an insult requiring a rebuttal. She did neither. She let go of her need to be validated in the moment to instead hold her ground on what truly mattered: her daughter's healing.

The Non-Defensive Ask

Humility is not easy, but St. Thomas Aquinas tells us it's essential to overcome the pride that is at the foundation of most of our sins. Like any virtue, it takes time and energy to learn it.

Here is a simple practice for couples who want to build this virtue:

1. Choose a low-stakes but real need. Not "you always ignore me," but something specific: "I need us to have one uninterrupted conversation this week."

2. State it once, plainly, without qualifiers or justifications. No hedges: "I know this is probably silly, but..."

3. The listening partner responds honestly, even if the first response is lukewarm or distracted. Resist the urge to over-explain or apologize excessively.

4. The asking partner restates the need calmly, without escalating tone or bringing up past grievances. One repetition, not ten.

5. Debrief afterward: What did it feel like to stay steady instead of getting defensive or giving up?

Practiced regularly, this builds the same muscle the Canaanite woman used: staying rooted in what you need without needing to win the exchange.

Closing Thought

Jesus praised the Canaanite woman's faith because it wasn't passive. It was persistent, humble, and utterly undefended. Catholic couples striving for holiness in marriage might take her as a model for how to stay faithful to love even when it feels, for a moment, that their love isn't being answered as they wish it was.