How Not to Fight--And How to Fight Right When You Must

Squabbles. Arguments. Fights. They are an inevitable part of marriage, right? Well...yes and no. Many things that couples fight over are minor irritants than can be avoided altogether with the right intentions. And when we must fight--and sometimes we must--how we fight often determines how strong our relationships are.

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus' disciples went off and preached repentance. If people did not wish to repent, Jesus tells the disciples to shake the dust off their feet as they leave that place.

We cannot leave our marriages the way the disciples left the towns they visited. But we can learn to “shake off” many of the irritating habits and momentary annoyances that our spouses (and our own expectations of them) inflict upon us.

A first step is to remind ourselves that our spouses are no more perfect than we are. Our lives are filled with irritations and disappointments, and some of those will inevitably occur within our marriages. Understanding that we irritate and disappoint our spouses at least as much as they aggravate us, should remind us of a crucial part of the Lord's Prayer: "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

A second important step for this is to determine your red lines. Red lines are the issues in your marriage that can't be shaken off. Crossing a red line means a fight.

Why red lines? Aren't we supposed to forgive our spouses "seventy x seven" times? Yes, we are called to extraordinary forgiveness; but forgiving a spouse who expresses anger violently does not mean continuing to cohabit with them. Rather, it means structuring your interactions so that you are safe, and they are forced to recognize the consequences of their actions. The virtue of prudence requires us to figure out where there are “red lines” in our marriages, and to make sure both spouses understand what these are.

What are your red lines?  Physical abuse and emotional abuse are obvious red lines (or should be). On the other hand, if you have too many red lines you may need to rethink. Are incorrect uses of grammar, or leaving the toilet seat up one more time really marital deal breakers that need to be fought over every time? It requires regular self-reflection, but it is crucial to figure out the difference between irritations that can be shaken off and the "red lines" that genuinely affect the heart of your marriage relationship. Then you need to focus on red lines.

For Dawna, the ways we occupy space as a couple constitutes a red line in our marriage. Growing up in an organized household, she was taught cleanliness is next to godliness. As a result, having "a place for everything and everything in its place" gives her feelings of empowerment, comfort, and well-being. Mark, on the other hand, will leave books, papers, dishes, clothing, electronics, and almost anything else in the places he last used them. He grew up in a very chaotic home with an accommodating mother. Mark doesn't need clutter the way Dawna needs order; it's just a hard-to-break set of bad habits developed during the first third of his life when he wasn't asked to clean up after himself. He doesn't care about the clutter; he doesn't always even see it.

For Dawna, Mark's clutter is a red line. How we share space, where we compromise, who cleans up what parts of the house and when, all have to be renegotiated every time we move to a new house or apartment. Sometimes when Mark forgets, or violates a rule because he's in a hurry, Dawna will shake it off but not after the third or fourth time because she is convinced that he is establishing a bad habit and each time he leaves detritus behind it is reinforcing that habit and will increase the number of messes he makes.

So the third day in a row he's left his laptop on the dining room table? There's going to be an argument.

There are two secrets to arguing over the handful of things that matter to you in your marriage.

The first secret is that you will probably be fighting about these issues, on and off, throughout your entire marriage.

The second secret is that there are science-based approaches to conflict that can actually benefit your relationship rather than harm it. In other words, it's not the fact that you fight that's the problem--it's how you fight.

We know a lot about how to fight fair. In 1983, Dr. John Gottman observed how couples interacted during conflict. He found that couples in bad marriages had four behaviors in common: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In a subsequent study in 1999, Gottman found he could predict divorce with 90% accuracy after observing just the first three minutes of a conversation based on the extent to which couples exhibited these behaviors, which he termed "the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

But he also found that successful couples had patterns that served as relationship-building alternatives to these four marriage killers:

Instead of criticism, successful couples used soft start-ups. They complain without blame. Rather than focusing on their partner's actions with a "you" statement ("This is the third time you left your laptop on the dining room table this week!") the speaker focuses on their own needs, and how the behaviors make them feel: "I am concerned about the amount of clutter accumulating where we eat. I would like a clear space for meals without having to place food around your papers and laptop."

Rather than expressing contempt for their spouses repeated failures and mistakes, successful spouses build a culture of appreciation for their partner, reminding themselves that this action, hurtful though it is, takes place within a loving relationship that includes many supportive and caring aspects. Ideally, by establishing a ratio of five positive expressions of appreciation, gratitude, affection and respect for every critical remark or point of disagreement, they create a buffer of good feelings.

Instead of positioning themselves as a victim who must defend themselves, successful spouses are able to take responsibility in a conflict, to reflectively respond to their partner and demonstrate that they understand where they are coming from, and to own their part in the conflict.

And instead of withdrawing and distancing from their spouses when their feelings get hurt, successful partners learn to take a break and do things to calm themselves and soothe their feelings when feelings get too heated and things get too intense.

Bottom line: Our marriages improve when we let the little stuff go, and when we fight fair over the stuff that really matters.

Photo by Jack Sparrow