How do you know love when it walks through the door?
How does someone prove their love to you? How do you prove to someone that you love them?
There is a story about a mother teaching a child what love is. Like the wind, she says, love is invisible. But you see it in the waving of the branches. You feel it in the stirring of your hair. You hear it as it rustles through the leaves. So it is with love. You know it is there not because you can see it or hear it, but by its effects in the world.
Verbal communication is crucial to a marriage, but it is not enough. The work of many different mental health specialists, from John Gottman to Alyssa Blask Campbell and Lauren Elizabeth Stauble, and more, emphasizes that from early childhood on the most important conversations—the most intimate, the most difficult, the most profoundly connecting conversations—rarely take place on the fly. Rather, they take place in those quiet times after our emotions are regulated.
Regulated how? This week’s Gospel gives us some insights.
In this week’s Gospel, Jesus enters a room and encounters not love but fear and anxiety.
Jesus responds not by rebuking his disciples for their fears, but with gentle words: “Peace be with you.”
He then asks them, “Why are you troubled?” He seeks not to tell them what to feel but to understand them and their feelings.
He then seeks to dispel their fears by inviting them to touch him. He makes himself vulnerable and opens himself to them.
Then he eats with them. He has given them food in the past, now he receives it. Giving food, receiving food, and eating together are all powerful ways of expressing relationship in every culture
Only then does Jesus begin to talk with them about his relationship with them, and about what their future holds.
How does your spouse know you love them?
How many times this week have you been gentle and kind in your words rather than abrupt, impatient, or strident?
How many times have you sought to understand them, asking them about their thoughts and feelings rather than hurrying to share your own?
How many times this week have you held hands, cuddled together, hugged one another?
How many times have you opened yourself up and been vulnerable?
How many times have you shared a meal this week? How many times have you prepared food for your spouse, or risked asking them to share with you?
Do you love your spouse?
Prove it.
Image by Rosy / Bad Hamburg / Germany