Four Ways To Get Better At Prioritizing Your Partner's Needs

A successful marriage often involves putting the needs and well-being of the partner first, embodying the principle of serving one another selflessly.

In this week's Gospel reading, the disciples argue about who is the greatest among them. Jesus stuns them into silence when he tells them that greatness in the eyes of God comes through being a servant to others. This teaching is central to the relationship between spouses.

While marriage therapy literature doesn't explicitly use the terms "service" or "servanthood," many of its principles involve prioritizing your partner's needs and well-being. Several key principles from marriage counseling that promote a "servanthood" ethos, including:

1. mutual support and responsiveness,

2. cultivating empathy and compassion for one another,

3. commitment to one another's growth, and

4. commitment to balancing individual needs with the needs of the relationship.

All of these have one crucial element in common: the need to put aside some of your own needs and desires to focus on the needs and desires of your partner. In other words, servanthood. 

Mutual Support and Responsiveness

Relationship experts and psychologists have long observed that couples who master the art of being there for each other in meaningful ways often find themselves in more fulfilling and enduring relationships. So, how can couples enhance this vital skill?

It starts with the simple yet profound act of expressing understanding and validation. When your partner shares their feelings or experiences, take a moment to truly listen and acknowledge their perspective. This doesn't mean you always have to agree, but showing that you hear and value their thoughts can work wonders.

Additionally, being prompt and caring in your responses to your partner's bids for attention or support can significantly strengthen your connection. Whether it's a simple request for help or a need for emotional comfort, your timely and compassionate response sends a powerful message of love and care.

Lastly, don't underestimate the impact of daily acts of kindness and affection. Making small gestures, be it a surprise cup of coffee in the morning or a heartfelt compliment, build reservoirs of goodwill and support that nourishes their relationship for years to come.

Cultivating Empathy and Compassion

Cultivating empathy and compassion is another form of "servanthood" that builds strong, lasting relationships. The work of the Gottman Institute emphasizes the importance of these qualities in their research findings.

One way couples can foster greater empathy and compassion is by engaging in perspective-taking exercises. This involves consciously trying to see situations from their partner's point of view, which can lead to greater understanding and reduced conflict.

Another powerful tool for enhancing empathy and compassion is the regular expression of gratitude. Research by Amie Gordon and colleagues has shown that expressing gratitude for specific things your partner does can significantly improve relationship satisfaction. This practice not only makes your partner feel appreciated but also trains you to notice and value their contributions.

In her practice, Dawna encourages couples to use "I" statements when communicating feelings, a technique popularized by psychologist Thomas Gordon. This approach helps partners express themselves without blame, fostering a more compassionate and understanding dialogue. By implementing these strategies, couples can create a more empathetic and compassionate dynamic in their relationship.

Commitment to One Another's Growth

Couples who exhibit mutual service by actively supporting each other's personal growth tend to have stronger, more resilient relationships.

One way to do this is by setting individual and shared goals, and regularly checking in on progress. This not only shows investment in each other's development but also creates a sense of teamwork and shared purpose.

Another crucial aspect of supporting growth is offering constructive feedback with kindness and respect. Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, highlights the importance of creating a safe emotional environment where partners can be vulnerable and open to change.

When we know there is a safe space to share our concerns, we can be open to learning and growing from relationship challenges, rather than becoming defensive or withdrawing. This helps us grow closer as a couple.

Balancing Individual and Relationship Needs

One of the key challenges couples face is striking the right balance between individual autonomy and relationship togetherness. Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of maintaining a strong friendship within the relationship while also respecting each partner's independence. 

To achieve this balance, couples can employ several strategies.

First, it's crucial to support each other's friendships and social connections outside the relationship. This not only fosters individual growth but also brings fresh energy into the partnership.

Simultaneously, scheduling regular date nights and quality time together is essential for nurturing the relationship bond. As Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, points out, these shared experiences help create a secure emotional connection.

Finally, when it comes to major decisions, it's important that we approach them collaboratively while still respecting individual preferences. This balance of togetherness and autonomy in decision-making is what Dr. David Olson refers to as "cohesion" in his Circumplex Model of Marital and Family Systems.

Taken together, these strategies can help us maintain our individual identities and interests, while building strong, supportive relationships.