Blueprint for a Thriving Relationship

We recently bought a new house. It's an older house, built in 1943, and the work we've been putting into fixing it up has had us thinking about how often houses are used as metaphors for relationships.

From Maren Morris's song about relationship resilience “The house don't fall when the bones are good,” to Jesus admonition about houses built on rock and sand, houses abound as relationship allegories. Perhaps it's because houses require work--small everyday tasks to keep things in order, as well as the occasional major repair, just like marriages.

This week, we offer an overview of one of the most widely used and respected "house" metaphors in marriage and family counseling: the Gottman Sound Relationship House. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman through decades of research, this model provides a framework for understanding and building strong, lasting relationships that incorporates seven principles derived from decades of research into what makes marriages last.

The Sound Relationship House consists of seven levels, each representing a crucial component of a healthy partnership:

Build Love Maps: St. Thomas Aquinas defines love as willing the good of the other as other. This requires us to truly know them not only as actors in our stories but as stars of their own shows. By "love maps" the Gottmans mean building a broad and deep knowledge of your spouse's inner world, from their favorite colors and movies to their hopes, dreams, fears, and life-changing experiences.

Share Fondness and Admiration. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." (1 Thessalonians 5:11). When couples express appreciation and respect for each other, they foster positivity and good feeling. This level helps counteract the negativity and resentment that inevitably arise even in the best marriages.

Turn Towards Instead of Away. Mark used to tell his students in CCD that the essence of Christian life is God calling to us in many different ways, and us responding by turning toward God, or toward ourselves. Spouses, too, make consistent efforts to connect. When we recognize and respond positively to each other's bids for attention and affection, we build emotional connection over time.

The Positive Perspective. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Philippians 4:8). Every relationship has its ups and downs. Research has shown what common sense should tell us--that couples who focus on the good aspects of their relationships and downplay the negative interactions as exceptions, have happier and longer lasting marriages than those in which spouses focus on their conflicts, or on one another's flaws and irritating habits.

Manage Conflict. In research on what creates happier and more lasting relationships, Gottman found that the single biggest predictor of marital success was how couples handled conflict. Conflict is inevitable even in the best of marriages. Healthy couples, however, learn to handle disagreements constructively. This involves using softened startups, making "I" statements instead of "you", making your points without blaming or judging, and self-soothing.

Make Life Dreams Come True. Partners support each other's goals and aspirations, working together to create a shared sense of purpose. Making life dreams come true can include financially supporting your partner, providing moral or emotional support, providing logistical support for your partner, and ultimately joining your partner in their life dream. 

Create Shared Meaning. Eventually, successful couples will develop their own culture of rituals, symbols, and shared values that give their relationship unique significance.

The entire structure is supported by two essential walls: Trust and Commitment. These foundational elements ensure the stability and longevity of the relationship.

As a counselor, Dawna has found the Sound Relationship House to be an invaluable tool for guiding couples towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember, like maintaining a house, developing a strong relationship is an ongoing process. It requires consistent effort and attention to each level of the Sound Relationship House. By doing so, couples can create a partnership that not only withstands challenges but thrives over time.  

Image created using Dall-E.