Prudence? In marriage? Sounds like a real passion killer.
Prudence gets a bad rap.
Sadly, the virtue of prudence is often misunderstood. Frequently it's confused with fear, with an aversion to risk. Worse, it is sometimes collapsed into an economic logic about cautious and careful investment. But this is not at all what the great saintly virtue of prudence is about, especially in marriage.
Marriage calls us all to heroic acts of virtue and self-sacrifice; prudence allows us to carry out those acts effectively and intelligently.
Prudence is the ability to apply practical reason to the issues of everyday life. In marriage, this also involves recognizing where the path to love lies, and choosing the best means of following that path.
St. Thomas called prudence the “the charioteer of the virtues” because it guides the other virtues. In other words, prudence is difficult to master, but if you can learn it, it makes everything else easier. It is prudence that immediately guides the judgment of conscience. The prudent person determines and directs their conduct in accordance with this judgment.
Here are seven crucial things to understand about prudence in your marriage:
Prudence is about freedom, not rules. The virtue of prudence arises from a dizzying awareness of our own freedom -- a recognition that we are all free to do as we wish, provided we are willing to live with the consequences. Families are shaped by how their members exercise that freedom. Prudence is about recognizing our situation as it is, knowing that we have choices, and figuring out which choices will move us toward better consequences.
Sometimes there are only bad choices. Many of the stoic philosophers who developed the centrality of prudence as a virtue were destitute, refugees, and even slaves. Their philosophy did not ask that they be resigned to their lot but rather that they be tough-minded and realistic about how poor their range of choices was, and use reason to pick the choice that will move them incrementally forward toward their goals.
Prudence is positive. Prudence does not waste time denouncing a decadent world but instead asks, “what we can reasonably do within the constraints of our situations to create lasting and loving marriages?” We must be aware of the evils and dangers and the risks that beset us, but we must not let the bad stuff dominate our consciences or lead us to despair.
Prudence is patient. When applying prudence to our relationships, we need to be able to listen patiently and attentively to everything the other person wants to say. Prudence requires the self-discipline of not speaking until the time is right; of making sure that we have heard everything the other person has to say before we offer an opinion or plan a course of action.
Prudence is flexible. Prudence in marriage starts from an awareness that we are committed for life, and takes this into account in making plans and decisions. This means, among other things, that couples need to be sensitive to one another’s changing circumstances. We are different people at different ages: as singles in courtship, when starting our careers, while pursuing educational degrees, while raising children, during the empty nest period, while fighting illnesses, after menopause, and in our old ages. Prudent couples don’t try to hold on to the same styles of intimacy, friendship, partnership and sexuality but learn to communicate and cooperate differently as each person, and their coupleship, changes over time.
Prudence involves cooperative growth. Patience and flexibility allow action based on spouses’ ever deepening knowledge of one another. One common metaphor for prudence is shepherding, or tilling of soil: carefully cultivating your own strengths for the benefit of your spouse and family, while at the same time helping them build their strengths. Prudence requires us to be able to bring positive vibes and encouraging words to calm our loved one’s anxieties when necessary, and knowing when to share our own anxieties and ask for help.
Prudence is courteous. An essential requirement of love, writes Thomas Aquinas, is that “every human being is bound to live agreeably with those around him.” Every day, interacting with those around us, especially those who have an intimate relationship with us, demands sensitivity and restraint so that our loved ones can daily renew their trust in us, and their respect for us.
Ultimately, prudence is about recognizing the world as it is, and focusing on changing those things you can change--which usually have to do with yourself.
This post is an excerpt from our book Climbing the Seven Story Mountain. You can read the entire chapter here.
