The Work of Being Known: Marriage as Calling, Not Completion

During the holidays, we got together with family. One night, we played The Couples Game That's Actually Fun with two of our daughters and their husbands. I'm sure you are familiar with this kind of game: a question is drawn, and one member of a couple writes down an answer, then their spouse answers that same question. If the answers match, the couple scores a point. If they don't match, the couples usually fall into lively discussions with their spouses about whose answer was the right answer for them as a couple.

What was amazing is that the game went on and on. We originally said that the first couple to get five points more than the others would win. An hour later we dropped it to three points. As it got later and later, we finally called it a draw.

And we all congratulated ourselves on how well we knew one another within our marriages. Because knowing your spouse is major source of success in long-term relationships.

Discerning Spouses

In this Sunday's Gospel, the Baptist declares that he recognizes the Messiah when Jesus's identity was revealed to him by the Holy Spirit. Some Christian teachers today apply this logic to marriage: wait prayerfully, and God will reveal your spouse to you, just as the Spirit revealed Jesus to John.

There is wisdom in this counsel. Discernment matters. Rushing into marriage without prayer and reflection invites trouble.

Yet there is also a danger here, one that can transform a Christian practice into something closer to the secular myth of the "soulmate," the idea that somewhere out there exists a person uniquely designed to complete us and meet all our needs.

Consider the first marriage. God himself was the matchmaker for Adam and Eve. If any couple was perfectly suited for one another, it was they. And yet their union brought sin, shame, expulsion from paradise, and the murder of one son by another. Divine revelation of a spouse did not spare them from suffering or from the hard work of navigating life together after the fall.

Marriage as a Work in Progress

Catholic teaching views marriage not primarily as the discovery of a perfect match but as entry into a vocation. A vocation is a calling from God, and like all callings, it involves work, growth, and often suffering. The Catechism teaches that Christian spouses "help one another to attain holiness" through their daily life together. This is not a one-time revelation but an ongoing process of becoming holy through the ordinary struggles and joys of married life.

Research supports this understanding. Psychologist C. Raymond Knee at the University of Houston found that people who hold strong "destiny beliefs," the conviction that relationships are either meant to be or not, tend to disengage when conflicts arise. They interpret difficulties as signs of incompatibility rather than opportunities for growth. In contrast, those who hold "growth beliefs," seeing relationships as cultivated through effort, demonstrate greater satisfaction and use constructive coping strategies when facing challenges. Subsequent research has only confirmed this.

Viewing marriage as a work in progress, rather than a fated match, actually strengthens the bond between spouses.

Getting to Know You

In our game, we had been married 41 years, and the other couples had been married 11 and 6 years respectively. So part of what made our game play out so long is that we'd all been together a while.

But simply being together is not enough. We've known long-married couples who still do poorly at answering questions about one another. You need to share with one another, listen to one another, and remember what you've learned.

One practical way to cultivate this growth-oriented approach is through a weekly "State of the Union" meeting. This structured conversation takes about an hour and begins with each spouse sharing specific appreciations from the past week. You then discuss what is going well before addressing one concern using gentle, non-blaming language. The meeting ends with each partner identifying one thing the other can do to help them feel more connected. Couples who practice versions of this ritual regularly report greater satisfaction and handle conflict more constructively.

Your spouse was not revealed to you as a finished answer to your needs. Rather, your marriage is the ongoing place where Christ is revealed through you both, as you serve and sanctify one another along the way.