The Only Person You Can Change (Hint: It's Not Your Spouse)

When Teri and Lucas entered therapy, Teri was frustrated by Lucas's emotional withdrawal. Their marriage would be so much better, she insisted, if he would just "open up more." She'd been pushing him on it for years and was growing increasingly frustrated at his refusal to change. Lucas, meanwhile, felt pressured and responded by withdrawing further. The breakthrough came when Teri shifted her focus from changing Lucas to understanding her own attachment needs and finding healthy ways to self-soothe when feeling disconnected. This created space for Lucas to approach emotional intimacy at his own pace, without the weight of Teri's expectations.

Teri wasn't unusual. In many marriages, each partner has a mental list of how the other person needs to change:

• "If only they would be more affectionate."

• "If they would just help more around the house."

• "If they could be more ambitious."

The underlying belief is that their relationships would improve if their partners would simply conform to their expectations.

This desire to change our partners comes from a valid place – we want our needs met, we want to feel loved in the ways that resonate with us. However, trying to control or change another person rarely leads to the connection we're seeking. Instead, it often creates resistance, resentment, and emotional distance.

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus calls us to stop criticizing and judging the behavior of others and focus on changing ourselves. Jesus' words reveal an important truth: The only person you have control over is yourself.

The Only Person You Can Change

This is one of the most challenging yet liberating truths Dawna shares with couples in therapy: you cannot change your partner's behavior, feelings, or choices. The only person you have control over is yourself.

This realization often arrives with mixed emotions. Initially, it may feel like a loss; we are surrendering our hope that if we just try hard enough, we can shape our partner into the person we want them to be. But this need not be seen as a limitation – it's an invitation to authentic love and personal growth.

Dr. David Schnarch, in his groundbreaking work on differentiation in marriage emphasizes that true intimacy emerges not from trying to change each other, but from each partner taking responsibility for their own growth and choices. This includes the choice to love, even when that love isn't being reciprocated in the ways we hoped.

Marriages can be transformed when couples redirect their energy from changing their partner to focusing on their own growth and choices. This isn't about giving up on the relationship or accepting unacceptable behavior. Rather, it's about recognizing where our true power lies – in our own responses, actions, and emotional work.

The choice to love, even when love isn't being returned in the way we hope, is particularly challenging. It requires tremendous courage and self-awareness. But this choice – to love without guarantee of reciprocation – is perhaps the purest form of love there is. It's love that flows from our own wholeness rather than from our need to control or change each other.

This doesn't mean staying in unhealthy situations or accepting chronic emotional neglect. Sometimes, taking responsibility for ourselves means making difficult decisions about the relationship itself. But it does mean that whatever choice we make comes from a place of self-awareness rather than an attempt to manipulate or control our partner.

Often, one party believes that they are doing more than the other as they work on the relationship. This can be hard to sustain

The strongest relationships are those where both partners understand this truth. They support each other's growth while taking responsibility for their own journey. They learn to love each other as they are, not as they wish them to be. This creates a foundation of trust and authenticity that allows for genuine intimacy to flourish.

The paradox is beautiful: when we stop trying to change our partners and focus instead on our own growth, we often create the very conditions that allow both partners to grow and change naturally.

This is the invitation hidden within the limitation – the invitation to love more freely, more authentically, and more powerfully than ever before.