Who's the Star of Your Marriage

In this week's Gospel reading, Jesus proclaims himself the fulfillment of the prophecies. It's hard for the Nazarenes to take. After all, they grew up with Jesus. He was a cousin, a neighbor's kid, a playmate, an apprentice carpenter. It's hard to see him in those roles and see him as the messiah.

The Nazarenes couldn't see past their familiar, everyday experience of Jesus to recognize his divine nature. Similarly, in Dawna's practice, she has witnessed couples who have lost sight of the sacred dimension of their relationship, trapped instead in what Bishop Robert Barron aptly calls "ego-dramas" – where each spouse sees themselves as the protagonist and their partner as merely a supporting character.

Recently, I worked with a couple caught in this dynamic. The husband routinely insisted he couldn't participate more in household duties because it took all his time and energy to be the primary breadwinner. His wife argued that three children, house care, and food preparation was more than she could reasonably handle. It became a crisis when a respiratory cold swept the family. Each of the partners insisted that their condition was worse, that they needed more rest and that the other needed to pick up the slack until they became healthy again. Each was writing their own script where they were the hero bearing the heaviest burden, while casting their spouse as someone failing to meet their needs.

This "race to the bottom," reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of marriage's sacramental nature. When we're caught up in our own ego-drama, we lose sight of a profound truth: our marriage isn't just about us. It's part of what Bishop Barron calls the "Theo-drama" – God's greater narrative of salvation and love.

The question we must ask ourselves isn't "What am I getting from this marriage?" but rather, "If not me, who?" Who will be the first to step outside their ego-script? Who will model Christ's self-giving love? As a therapist, I often remind couples that their marriage serves as a "domestic church" – a foundational unit of Christian community and witness.

This perspective transforms our understanding of marital challenges. When spouses view their relationship as part of God's larger story, daily sacrifices take on deeper meaning. The goal isn't just personal happiness or need fulfillment – it's helping our spouse reach heaven. It's building a little church that strengthens the larger Church.

Marriages flourish when couples embrace this broader vision. When they stop seeing their spouse as a character in their personal drama and start seeing both themselves and their partner as co-protagonists in God's story, remarkable healing becomes possible.

This shift requires humility – the same kind of humility the Nazarenes lacked in recognizing Jesus's true identity. It means acknowledging that our spouse, like Jesus to his hometown neighbors, might be more than our limited perception suggests. They're not just our partner, co-parent, or provider – they're a soul entrusted to our care, a co-creator with us in building something that transcends our individual stories.

In practical terms, this might mean asking different questions during conflicts. Instead of "Why aren't you meeting my needs?" we might ask, "How can we together create a marriage that glorifies God?" Rather than tallying our sacrifices, we might consider how our challenges are opportunities to grow in holiness together.

As we reflect on this week's Gospel, let's consider how we might be like the Nazarenes in our marriages – limited by our familiar views of our spouse, missing the divine drama unfolding in our everyday lives. The invitation is clear: to step outside our ego-dramas and into the greater story God is writing through our marriages.

After all, our call as married Christians isn't just to maintain a relationship – it's to build a little church, to serve as a model to others, and to help get our spouses to heaven. In answering "If not me, who?" we accept our role in God's drama, where every act of love, sacrifice, and forgiveness contributes to a story far greater than ourselves

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