Showing Love, A Little Bit Every Day

When you are dating, and early in your marriage, your relationship runs off strong positive emotions and hormones that drive each of you to be kind and considerate, spend time together, and serve one another. Eventually, life happens, kids come along, career stresses kicks in, and we start to let things slide.

Most of us realize that we need to be intentional about our marriages if they are going to survive. But fixing the minor problems in our marriage keep taking a back seat to the less important but much more urgent need to deal with house repairs, pay the bills, pursue that promotion, make sure the kids get to their next activity. You keep putting off date nights, leaving a love note, stopping to buy flowers on the way home. You will put in the work you need to do to reinvigorate your relationship--as soon as you can.

This week's Gospel is a reminder that we don't have unlimited time. Everything can change in an instant. One of you may become seriously ill. You lose your job. Or the kids may leave home and you suddenly realize that you barely know what to say to one another any more.

"Of that day or hour, no one knows." Start working on your marriage now. Today. Here are four ways you can start making your marriage intentional right now:

1. Small Things Daily. "How many women would say, 'I would rather receive a single rose 12 different times than a dozen roses once?'" Mark Gungor asks his audiences in his "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" presentations. The majority of women always want the single roses across many days. Instead of the occasional grand gestures, one of the strongest ways to build a marriage is with one or two loving actions every single day. Need some ideas?

   • Check in with a quick text

   • Do one of their chores

   • Compliment them (in front of others!)

   • Share a cup of coffee or tea

   • Bring them their favorite snack

   • Leave a thoughtful note

   • Give them a sincere hug

   • Offer words of encouragement and support

As Dr. John Gottman says, “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”

2. A few minutes a day. Six hours a week. That's how much time the Gottman Institute says you need to commit to maintain a solid relationship. But not all at once. It's broken down into several different tasks: a two-minute farewell before work, a six-second welcome home kiss, a 20-minute intimate conversation, five minutes of cuddling, and so forth. Dustin Riechmann offers one month's worth of 15-minute daily exercises to help you improve communication, be more romantic, have deeper sexual intimacy, and learn to collectively control your finances. And Dr. Meir Wikler says it just takes ten minutes per day to revitalize your relationship. Twenty, fifteen, ten...the one thing all these works have in common is the clear recognition that grand gestures don't maintain marriages: some quality time in relationship-building activities need to happen every day.

   
   

3. Put romance on the schedule. Work, social obligations, kid's activities--these things send spontaneity out the window in most marriages. While the previous two elements both speak to the importance of everyday quality time, couples also need to date. A date is a scheduled, interactive activity that takes us out of our usual range of activities. Dates move us out of our ordinary routines so that we can share an activity and focus on one another. A few months ago, we offered a guide for planning dates. Or, if you would rather, there are books that offer prepackaged dates, and even offer the spontaneity of a surprise date.

   
   

4. Make a transition. Whether it's heading off on a date, having an intimate conversation, or just snuggling together, one of the biggest challenges to quality time is getting your head in the game. Between lingering thoughts about work obligations, undone chores, and personal worries, it is easy to be distracted. And that's not even mentioning all the distractions that are just a click away on your cell phone. It is important to build a habit of being fully present for your spouse during your quality time together.