It's Not Fair!

Sunday, 24 May: MT 20: 1-16

“It’s not fair!”

It sounds like a cry for justice. But all too often in our marriages, we are like the first workers in the vineyard in this Sunday's Gospel reading. Our concern for ourselves gets in the way of our generosity.

I sympathize for the full-day workers. Watching their co-workers who put in fewer hours of labor make as much as they did for a full day’s hard work deeply upsets them. It really doesn’t seem fair.

Yet the landlord points out to them that they are not in fact getting upset over an injustice done to them—they are getting exactly what was promised. Rather, they are getting upset over his generosity to their fellow workers. It’s not a breach of justice that is motivating them—it’s envy.

There are limitless possibilities for one spouse to be envious of opportunities in the other's life. A caretaking spouse may be jealous of the working spouse’s meetings with clients at fancy restaurants while the caretaking spouse is juggling household chores and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Yet the working spouse stuck in the office may be envious of the caretaking spouse’s summer days at the pool with the kids.

Envy is poison in relationships. And the reverse is also true. Research by psychologist Shelly Gable and her colleagues in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who felt true joy at good news about their partner formed stronger bonds than those who were jealous of their spouse’s successes.

So the next time you get to feeling “it’s not fair!” with regard to your spouse, stop and ask yourself if it’s really injustice you are feeling—or just jealousy.

Photo by Polina Zimmerman