Gritty Couples: Why Passion and Perseverance Matter More Than Compatibility In Your Marriage

Dawna and Mark, the authors of this blog, have completely opposite personalities. On the Meyers-Briggs personality test, Mark is an INTJ, Dawna's an ESFP. Not a single characteristic in common. We have mostly different tastes in films, books, and music. We have different work habits, Even our Zodiac signs say we're not compatible--and not only the Western zodiac but Chinese and Indian astrology, too!

Yet somehow we've been marries successfully and happily for more than forty years. One secret to our success? Persistent, loving pursuit of one another.

In this Sunday's Gospel reading, Jesus teaches us about the power of persistent, loving pursuit. The friend knocking at midnight doesn't give up when the door seems closed—he continues with both deep care and unwavering determination. This same combination of passion and perseverance may be far more important for marital success than the compatibility we often focus on during dating.

Psychologists call this "grit": the tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals. Couples with a gritty determination have a can-do attitude toward building a healthy, strong marriage—despite struggles, conflict, and tension.

What Exactly Is Grit?

Grit is the ability to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals. Grit has two essential elements: passion for what matters, and perseverance through challenges. In her book on the topic, psychologist Angela Duckworth defines grit as passion and perseverance for long-term goals, and her research reveals something surprising about achievement across many domains of life.

Duckworth's research points to a high correlation between grit and marital longevity. Like the persistent friend in the parable, gritty couples approach their relationship with the attitude: "No matter what we have to do, we're going to make this work. We're committed to this marriage."

The Two Types of Passion

When we think of passion in marriage, we usually remember the early years of our coupleship, when we couldn't get enough of one another, when we just wanted to be together all the time. Over time this usually fades leading either to the demise of the relationship, or the couple settling into a less intense equilibrium.

Research by Robert Vallerand describes these states as involving two distinct types of passion that lead to very different outcomes in relationships: obsessive passion, and harmonious passion.

Obsessive passion involves relentlessly pursuing something or someone about whom one has a deep emotional involvement. For married couples, obsessive passion tends to be inconsistent over the long term, and couples may think they have fallen out of love as their passion fades. When this kind of passion does last, it may be because it is tied to possessiveness, jealousy, or an unhealthy need for constant togetherness that suffocates individual growth.

Harmonious passion happens when you invest a significant amount of time and energy into something that is important to you. Obsessive passion often feels out of control, as if one is struck by cupid's arrow, or there are irresistible qualities in the person with whom you are infatuated. Harmonious passion by contrast is more authentically personal, because you choose to engage of your own free will or volition. In marriage, this means choosing daily to prioritize your spouse and relationship because you genuinely value them for who they are.

Harmonious passion has been correlated with a greater sense of overall well-being, greater self-growth, life satisfaction, favorable relationships, and positive emotions. Couples with harmonious passion for their relationship experience greater satisfaction because their commitment flows from authentic choice rather than external pressure.

One interesting discovery about couples whose relationships are built on harmonious passion is that they spend time talking about their relationship, reflect on their experiences, describe their growth and discuss ways they could improve as a couple. The couples that tend toward obsessive passion don't appreciate the process nor the product of their relationship.

Why Compatibility Isn't Everything

Popular culture suggests that if you find someone compatible enough, marriage will be easy. Research tells a different story. Most couples who take wedding vows start out feeling quite happy together, yet nearly half end in divorce. What makes the difference?

What differed was that the couples who later divorced showed more tendency, even in their first year of marriage, to express negative emotions like anger and to use negative communications like blame and criticism. That is, the skills for cooperating were shakey. The crucial factor wasn't their initial compatibility, but their commitment to developing the skills they needed to work through challenges.

Love that arises from strong compatibility and deep emotional desire, doesn't automatically solve differences in communication styles, or dealing with life's challenges. What truly sustains a marriage is commitment, effort and the willingness to adapt. This is where grit becomes essential—not as blind stubbornness, but as the determination to keep growing together even when it's difficult.

Effort Over Ease

The renowned marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman have studied over 40,000 couples and can predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage would last after observing the couples for just 15 minutes. Their key finding? Successful couples "turned toward" one another more often than they "turn away."

This "turning toward" requires daily grit—the persistence to notice your spouse's attempts at connection and respond positively, even when you're tired, distracted, or frustrated. The happiest couples are savvy enough to notice when their partner is making a bid, and drop what they're doing, if necessary, to engage.

Like the friend knocking at midnight, successful spouses persistently pursue connection with their partner, even when the initial response isn't welcoming.

Building Grit in Marriage

The good news is that grit can be developed. Research showing that couples who believe relationships require work and growth report higher satisfaction suggests that simply adopting a grit mindset can improve your marriage.

1. Develop a Growth Mindset About Your Relationship. You cannot persevere in the face of challenges if you don't believe that your actions can transform you, and your relationship. In marriage, this means believing that relationship skills can be developed through effort, rather than assuming you're either "compatible" or not.

2. Practice Deliberate Relationship Improvement. Nobody is born with the capacity to form and sustain personal relationships. We develop skills, both good and bad, from our parents and peers, and we bring those skills into our marriages. It's rarely enough. Couples need intentional skill-building. This might include learning conflict resolution techniques, practicing daily expressions of appreciation, or working on emotional regulation during stress. There are many good books and other resources to help--including this web site!

3. Embrace Long-Term Thinking. In Catholic teaching, marriage is a permanent commitment to a work in progress. This is an advantage in developing harmonious passion because it requires long-term thinking and strategizing. This means viewing challenges as temporary obstacles in a lifelong journey rather than signs of fundamental incompatibility.

The friend at midnight eventually received what he needed—not because of charm or compatibility, but because of persistent, loving pursuit. In marriage, this same spirit of gritty love opens doors that seemed permanently closed, heals wounds that seemed irreparable, and builds intimacy that grows stronger over decades.

Compatibility might bring you together, but grit keeps you together. It's the choice to keep knocking, keep loving, keep growing—even at midnight, even when the door seems locked. Because on the other side of that persistence lies not just bread for a hungry friend, but the deep satisfaction of a love that has been tested and proven true.

Remember: If you find yourself in an unsafe or abusive relationship, grit should never mean enduring harm. Professional help and support are always appropriate in such situations.