From Preparation to Providence: Embracing Marriage as Mission in an Era of Endless Delay

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus does something that would alarm any modern career counselor or financial planner: He sends his disciples out on mission "carrying no purse, no bag, no sandals" (Luke 10:4). By contemporary standards of "readiness," these disciples were woefully unprepared. They had no emergency fund, no detailed strategic plan, no guarantee of housing or income. Yet Jesus declares them ready for the most important mission of their lives.

Applying this Gospel scene to our most important mission -- marriage -- runs directly against the way our culture has come to approach marriage. Young Catholics today face unprecedented pressure to delay marriage until they achieve what secular culture defines as "readiness," whether that means completed education, established career, home ownership, extensive travel, and comprehensive life experience. 

But what if this pursuit of being perfectly prepared is actually hindering their ability to embrace marriage as the sacramental mission it's meant to be?

Marriage as Mission

Catholic teaching presents marriage not merely as a personal lifestyle choice, but as a sacrament of vocation. Like the disciples in Luke 10, married couples are sent out together on a mission that transcends their own individual plans and preparations.

And yet, contemporary popular culture frames marriage as the destination rather than the departure point. Marriage is something you do after you've achieved some required set of benchmarks rather than an adventure that launches you into a life of service and growth together.

Challenging "Readiness" Culture

Interestingly, several contemporary psychological studies challenge the notion that we must put off marriage until we've already hit our other goals.

Financial Barrier Beliefs: Research suggests that among emerging adults, believing that financial independence should be achieved prior to marriage may actually increase over time, even when assets remain stable and debt increases. But for most young people, assets and debts don't remain stable. Because they plan to get married later, they often feel justified in spending more frivolously in the early years of adulthood, believing that they will have plenty of time to get their finances in order before the end of emerging adulthood

Either way, young adults who believe they must achieve financial security before marriage often find themselves trapped in a cycle where the goalposts keep moving.

The Preparation Paradox: Many young people imagine young adult time of life as a time to sexually experiment—to have a variety of sexual experiences with a variety of people. The central logic behind this is that young people need to do this to "sow their oats" and "get it out of their system" so they will be ready "settle down" in marriage.

There is ample evidence that what happens is the exact opposite. The Institute for Family Studies identifies what researchers call "marriage preparation paradoxes." Sexual experimentation before marriage does nothing to get such attitudes and behaviors out of your system, rather it gets them into your system. Dozens of studies have shown that individuals with greater patterns of sexual promiscuity and more sexual partners actually have higher, not lower, chances of divorce when they marry.

What Actually Predicts Marriage Success

Research strongly suggests that for most young people, true marital readiness involves factors that have little to do with age, income, or "life experience":

Over 80 years of research on premarital predictors of marriage outcomes have shown that true marital competence or readiness involves helping young people develop the capacity to love and the capacity to communicate. The actual predictors of marriage success among young people are:

• personal maturity: a level of self-awareness that enables individuals to distinguish between love and infatuation, make thoughtful decisions about compatibility, and adapt to changing circumstances

• emotional readiness: the capacity to be emotionally available and invested in a relationship, including the ability to heal from past relationships and be open to vulnerability and intimacy.

• commitment: the intention to maintain a relationship over time, encompassing both dedication (the desire to improve and invest in the relationship) and the willingness to make decisions that prioritize the relationship's future

• capacity to forgive: an ability to let go of resentments and work through conflicts constructively

• religious engagement: shared spiritual beliefs and practices that provide a common framework for decision-making and values

• sexual restraint: the practice of limiting sexual activity to meaningful relationships

• communication skills: the ability to express needs, listen empathically, and share emotions effectively

• conflict management: ability to handle disagreements constructively without resorting to harmful tactics such as shouting, silent treatments, or gestures of contempt.

The Power of Intention

But one of the most important predictors of marital success is intentionality.

Consider Jake and Emma. They started dating in college and gradually spent more nights together until Jake was essentially living in Emma's apartment by senior year. After graduation, when Emma's lease expired, it seemed natural for them to find a place together to split costs—neither explicitly discussed what this meant for their future. Over the next two years, they accumulated shared furniture, adopted a cat, and intertwined their social lives, but avoided conversations about marriage or long-term plans. When friends asked about their future, they gave vague answers about "seeing how things go" and "not being in a rush." Despite loving each other, both Jake and Emma privately wondered about their compatibility and whether they were "settling." The increasing practical constraints of shared finances and social expectations made it harder to address these doubts honestly.

Michael and Sarah dated for eighteen months, getting to know one another and sharing hopes and dreams. Sex was never a regular expectation during their dating, although they were occasionally sexually active during particularly meaningful moments like anniversaries. After serious conversations about their shared values, life goals, and vision for marriage, Michael proposed and Sarah happily said yes. They spent their engagement period in focused marriage preparation, participating in their church's pre-Cana program, discussing practical matters like finances and children while maintaining their commitment to wait for their wedding night for full sexual intimacy. After their wedding and honeymoon, they joyfully moved into their first shared home, discussing and compromising each issue that arose. Challenge became an opportunity to grow together rather than a test of their compatibility.

Contemporary relationship research distinguishes between deciding and sliding in relationship transitions. Qualitative interviews with individuals in cohabiting relationships indicate that many couples today slide into cohabitation without considering or communicating about what the transition might mean for the future of their relationship. Further, in a national sample, two-thirds of cohabiting respondents indicated that they slid into living together rather than the partners making a mutual decision about it.

The difference is profound: When there is a clear proposal and acceptance, the couple makes a choice to reject other choices. They send a signal about their intent. That puts them both on the same page and removes any lingering doubt or ambiguity. In "slider" relationship, by contrast, the constraints of living together or having children can feel like a trap. Studies tracking couples over time reveal significant differences in commitment patterns. In a study of the United Kingdom Millennium Cohort, the risk for separation before the child's fifth birthday was 26% for cohabiting parents compared to 9% for married parents.

The "Readiness" Trap

Marriage is delayed in order to avoid the perceived losses associated with it, many young adults begin to miss out on these known benefits of marriage—creating once again a paradoxical outcome. Research shows that marriage provides measurable benefits: numerous studies have shown that getting married and staying married is linked to several aspects of individual health and well-being, such as better financial status, improved physical health, enhanced mental health, and higher sexual satisfaction.

Practical Implications for Ministry

How should we, as families and church members, think about this? Are we prepared to trust as blindly and faithfully as the disciples? What would that look like?

Reframing Marriage Preparation. First, it means that rather than focusing primarily on "readiness" checklists, marriage preparation should emphasize:

• Discernment skills: Teaching young people to distinguish between reasonable prudence and a paralyzing wait for the perfect time and the perfect soul mate.

• Mission orientation: Helping couples understand their marriage as a call to service, not just personal fulfillment.

• Spiritual foundations: Strengthening the foundations of faith that will enable couples to face the future with trust in God, their families, one another, and their own abilities to grow and adapt rather than demanding complete certainty.

Supporting Young Adult Faith. Since research suggests that commitment enhances well-being rather than diminishing it. Parish communities might:

• Challenge "readiness" narratives: Helping young adults recognize how endless preparation can become a form of spiritual paralysis.

• Celebrate young marriages: Providing extra support and encouragement to couples who marry young, rather than questioning their wisdom.

• Create mission opportunities: Offering concrete ways for married couples to serve together, reinforcing marriage as vocation rather than retreat from engagement.

  
  

Conclusion: The Joy of the Harvest

Our Gospel this Sunday concludes with the disciples returning "with joy" from their mission, amazed at what God accomplished through their simple obedience (Luke 10:17). They discovered that their apparent unpreparedness became the space for God's power to work with and through them.

Contemporary research on marriage and commitment confirms this Gospel wisdom: the benefits of marriage come not from perfect preparation but from the decision to commit and grow together.

Catholic married couples have a unique opportunity to model this Gospel alternative—demonstrating that life's greatest adventures often begin not when we feel perfectly ready, but when we trust God enough to say yes to his call. In a culture obsessed with control and preparation, they can witness to the joy and growth that come from embracing the vulnerability of commitment.

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva