Following Your Star: Creating Shared Meaning in Marriage

The trip from Ohio to visit our grandchildren in Virginia is a long one, made longer by the fact that we stop and treat ourselves to a decent meal, and stop at a state park to get in a good walk on our way. It gives us a lot of time to talk, and it was January so a central question was: Where do we want our marriage to be in a year? Where do we want our marriage to be in five years? What's our plan?

As we begin a new year, our thoughts naturally turn to the future. We make resolutions, set goals, and imagine what the coming months might hold. The start of a new year offers a natural opportunity for this work. Before the months fill with activities and demands, take time with your spouse to talk about your marriage. What are you building together? What do you both value? Where do you want your marriage to be in five or ten years?

In this Sunday's Gospel, we read of the Magi who followed a star, united in their search for something greater than themselves. They weren't wandering. Their journey was purposeful travel guided by a singular, brilliant light. A question for us as married couples at the start of every year is: What star are we following together?

Many of us entered marriage with individual dreams and goals. We had career aspirations, personal hopes, and visions for our lives. But how often do we step back and ask what we are building together? What is our shared purpose? Without a clear answer, our marriages can drift, with each spouse pulling in slightly different directions, wondering why connection feels harder to maintain.

Research on successful marriages tells us something important. Dr. John Gottman, who has studied thousands of couples over decades, identifies "creating shared meaning" as the highest level of what he calls the Sound Relationship House. This isn't about agreeing on everything. It's about developing a shared sense of purpose, values, and vision that guides your decisions as a couple. Gottman's research shows that couples who can articulate their shared meaning system report higher marital satisfaction and navigate conflicts more effectively.

This matters because life constantly presents competing priorities. Should you take the job that requires relocation? How much should you invest in aging parents' care? What values do you want to anchor your family? When you lack a clear shared vision, these decisions become battlegrounds. When you know the star you are following together, these decisions become opportunities to move forward together.

Studies on relationship quality consistently find that shared goals predict relationship longevity more reliably than initial passion or attraction. The excitement of early romance naturally fades, but couples who cultivate shared purpose build something that deepens over time. This is encouraging. It means the strength of our marriages depends less on feelings we can't control and more on intentions we can cultivate.

Like the Magi, we need more than good intentions. We need to chart our course deliberately. The journey will have uncertainties, but when both spouses are oriented toward the same destination, you travel together rather than apart.

Your Guiding Star Exercise

How do we establish a shared vision? Here's one way to do it:

Set aside 60 uninterrupted minutes with your spouse this month, and follow this process.

• Step 1: Each of you separately completes this sentence in writing: "Ten years from now, our marriage will be a success if..." (you can adjust the period as appropriate for your relationship).

• Step 2: Share what you've written. Listen without interrupting or correcting.

• Step 3: Together, identify common themes in what you both wrote.

• Step 4: Write 3 to 5 core values you share (examples: generosity, adventure, faith, family, service).

• Step 5: Craft one brief vision statement that captures where you're headed together.

• Step 6: Keep this visible and revisit it frequently, especially when facing major decisions.

The Magi returned home by a different route, changed by what they had found. Your marriage this year can follow a similar arc. A year from now, when you look back on 2025, you'll know whether you wandered or whether you traveled with intention. The difference between the two is the conversation you have this month, and hereafter, about where you're going together.

Illustration created using Gemini.