Finding True Peace in Marriage: Beyond Conflict Avoidance

Many couples come to therapy believing their goal should be to stop arguing altogether. They're often surprised when Dawna suggests that conflict avoidance can actually be detrimental to relationship health.

These couples share a "worldly" misconception: they believe that a "peaceful marriage" means one without disagreement or conflict. However, research consistently demonstrates that successful marriages aren't characterized by an absence of conflict, but rather by how couples navigate disagreements when they inevitably arise.

The difference between what these couples expect, and what research tells us, resonates deeply with the distinction between types of peace that has been recognized throughout Christian tradition—between surface-level calm and a deeper, more authentic peace rooted in truth and connection.

The World's Peace and God's Peace

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus makes a distinction between two kinds of peace: the peace of the world, and the peace he gives.

The world we know is a world of conflict. When there is a cessation of conflict, we call it "peace." But in the City of God St. Augustine defines true peace as "tranquillitas ordinis"-the tranquility of order, rooted in justice and right relationship, not merely the cessation of conflict.

During the Vatican II council, in Gaudium et Spes, the Church echoed Augustine, stating that peace is the fruit of right order established by God and realized by humanity's pursuit of justice. Decades later, Saint Pope John Paul II emphasized that forgiveness, justice, and inner healing are essential for real peace, which surpasses the world's limited vision

This distinction is also echoed in research on marital relationships. The secret to successful marriages is not an avoidance of conflict to maintain "peace" in the household, but rather the ability to engage in conflict in healthy ways that deepen relationships rather than create distance. Learn more at 7storymountain.com

The Myth of Conflict Avoidance

Research by Dr. John Gottman, who has studied thousands of couples over decades, found that avoiding conflict often leads to emotional distance, unresolved issues, and resentment that builds over time.

When partners prioritize a false sense of harmony over honest communication, important issues remain unaddressed. One partner might say, "I just want peace in our home," but what they really mean is, "I don't want to feel uncomfortable by engaging with difficult topics."

Healthy Conflict as a Path to Deeper Connection

Couples who thrive long-term aren't those who never argue—they're those who have learned to engage in conflict constructively.

Dr. Gottman's research identifies several characteristics of healthy conflict:

• Starting discussions gently, without criticism or contempt

• Maintaining respect even during disagreements

• Staying focused on understanding each other rather than "winning"

• Being willing to accept influence from one's partner

• Finding ways to repair the relationship after difficult conversations

These practices don't eliminate conflict, but transform it into a vehicle for greater understanding and intimacy. When couples learn to navigate disagreements with respect and openness, they often emerge feeling closer than before.

The Peace That Surpasses Understanding

This research-based understanding of healthy conflict aligns beautifully with the deeper concept of peace found in traditional Church teaching. True peace in marriage isn't achieved through avoiding difficult conversations, but through engaging with them in ways that affirm the dignity of both partners and strengthen the relationship bond.

Positive psychology research supports this view as well. Reasearch suggests that flourishing relationships don't require constant positivity—they simply need a healthy balance of positive to negative interactions. This means there's plenty of room for constructive disagreement within a thriving relationship.

Practical Steps Toward Authentic Peace

For couples seeking to build genuine peace in their relationships, consider these practices:

1. Differentiate between harmful conflict (characterized by contempt, stonewalling, and criticism) and healthy conflict (characterized by honest, respectful engagement with differences)

2. Create a secure emotional environment where both partners feel safe expressing concerns without fear of rejection or abandonment

3. Practice active listening—truly seeking to understand your partner's perspective rather than merely formulating your response

4. Remember that the goal of conflict isn't to determine who's right, but to understand each other better and find solutions that honor both partners' needs

5. Make repair attempts during and after conflicts—reaching out with humor, affection, or an apology to maintain connection even during disagreements

   
   

Conclusion

The path to true peace in marriage isn't through conflict avoidance, but through learning to engage with differences in ways that bring couples closer together. This mirrors the distinction between superficial peace and authentic peace that has been recognized by Catholic tradition for centuries, and is rooted in the words of Christ in the Gospel

When we move beyond simply avoiding arguments and instead learn to navigate differences with respect and love, we discover a deeper peace—one built on truth, understanding, and genuine connection. This is the kind of peace that can sustain a marriage through decades of joy and challenge alike.