Emmanuel in Marriage: The Power of Being Truly Present

4th Sunday of Advent

When the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, he offered more than just reassurance about Mary's pregnancy. The angel quotes a prophecy from Isaiah: "they shall name him Emmanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" In doing so, the angel reveals something central to God's nature: presence. God doesn't simply watch from a distance; God is with us.

This same quality of being truly present lies at the heart of sacramental marriage, where two people covenant not only with each other but with God, who promises to remain with them through every season.

But what does it really mean to be "with" someone in our marriages?

Research from relationship psychologists offers a simple but important answer. Every day, our spouses reach out to us in many little ways: sharing an observation about the weather, asking about each other's day, or requesting help with a chore. Relationship experts call these gestures "bids for connection." When your spouse bids for your attention, you can respond to the invitation by turning toward them, or you can ignore them, and turn to yourself.

So here's the kicker: Dr. John Gottman studied newly married couples over the first six years of their marriage. He discovered that those who remained married were those who responded positively to their spouse's small "bids for connection" about 86% of the time. Those who divorced? Only 33% of the time.

The difference between thriving marriages and failing ones wasn't about never fighting, or being soul mates. It was about presence. It was about choosing to turn toward your spouse in dozens of small moments rather than turning away.

Think about yesterday. How many times did your spouse try to connect with you? Did they point out something funny they read? Ask you to look at something? Share a frustration from work? Each of these was an invitation, not just for attention, but for emotional presence. And each time we respond with genuine interest, we're saying: "I see you. You matter. I'm with you." Each time we stay absorbed in our phone or dismiss their comment, we communicate the opposite.

This accumulation of tiny choices shapes the foundation of our marriages. When we consistently turn toward each other, we build a reservoir of goodwill and trust that sustains us through inevitable difficult seasons.

One practical way to strengthen this pattern: build a Daily Connection Practice. Each evening this week, ask your spouse: "What was a moment today when you needed me to be present with you?" Listen without defending yourself. Then share your own moment (just one each). The goal isn't to criticize one another but to increase awareness of those bids you may be missing.

As you become more attuned to your spouse's attempts to connect, practice the simple discipline of pausing what you're doing. Put down your phone, turn your body toward them, make eye contact. Respond to your spouse with genuine interest, even if it's just for a few minutes.

This might feel awkward at first. Our lives are busy, our attention fragmented. But presence is an action, not a feeling. It's a choice we make. And practice makes perfect.

The beauty of sacramental marriage is that we don't navigate these choices alone. Emmanuel—God with us—offers grace for the journey. When we invite God into our marriages through prayer, through scripture, and through the sacraments, he strengthens our capacity to be truly present with each other. The same God who chose to dwell among us empowers us to dwell fully with our spouses—maybe not perfectly, but at least faithfully.

Your marriage is built not in dramatic moments but in the accumulation of small acts of presence. Each time you turn toward your spouse, you reflect the God who turns toward us.

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay