Deep Knowing in Marriage

May 3
9 min read

Mark was trying to be more romantic. When Dawna came home from the office she was drained by an afternoon of client sessions, the kids were at friends, Mark was cooking dinner, and he greeted her with, "Honey, I drew you a bubble bath, now go get in before it gets cold. You can soak while I finish dinner."

Dawna was tired. She was hungry. She was irritable. And she hated soaking in water. Mark and the kids were swimmers and soakers. She was not, and after decades of marriage he should have known that. She blew up.

"If you knew me, you would know I hate bubble baths," she snapped.

Later, Mark approached her with a worn list of romantic things he could do for her. She remembered it. She'd made it for him nearly two years earlier after he'd complained that he didn't have any ideas about how to be romantic, and there, in her own handwriting, was an item: bubble bath.

Dawna was nonplussed. Why had she included that? It wasn't like she used to like bubble baths and now she didn't. She'd never enjoyed sitting in water while her skin pruned up and the texture rankled.

A few days later she sat Mark down and pulled up a video clip on her computer. It was the bubble bath scene from the 1976 film A Star is Born starring Barbara Streisand and Kris Kristofferson. The intimacy expressed in that scene had impressed her as deeply romantic as a girl. That's why it was on the list. She'd never thought through the fact that the idea of the romantic bubble bath was out of sync with her own physical dislike of baths. Ultimately, both of us learned important things about ourselves and our relationship from this experience.

It's hard to really know your spouse. It's especially hard because people often don't even know themselves as well as they think they do. But getting to know ourselves, and each other, and doing it together, is a powerful part of marital intimacy.

The Need to Know

In this Sunday's Gospel, Jesus speaks of the importance of knowing: "If you really know me, you will know my Father as well." The claim is striking. To know one person fully is to be brought into contact with something beyond them, something larger than what is immediately visible.

The Catholic tradition has long understood marriage in a similar way. To know your spouse, truly and deeply, is not simply to accumulate facts about another person. It is to enter a kind of wisdom that changes you, and that, in changing you, becomes a witness to the world.

That is a large claim. But the science of marriage relationships supports it.

What "Knowing" Actually Means

Most couples believe they know each other well. Research suggests the picture is more complicated.

All couples inevitably learn things about one another over time. Psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues at the Relationship Research Institute use the term "Love Maps" to describe the mental architecture we build of our partners: their worries, hopes, dreams, histories, and the small, specific details of their inner lives. They encourage us to be intentional about creating our knowledge of one another.

Gottman's longitudinal research found that couples with detailed, accurate Love Maps were significantly better equipped to handle conflict, manage stress, and maintain friendship over time. Knowing your spouse is not a passive outcome of living together. It is an active, ongoing practice.

When we come to know our spouses deeply, our relationships grow and deepen. When we genuinely know our spouses, when we understand not just their preferences but their fears and their longings, we expand our own capacity for perspective, empathy, and meaning.

Psychologists call this "self-expansion." It means that people grow the self by including others within it, and that close relationships are one of the primary vehicles for personal growth. Our relationship becomes generative when it produces something in us that we could not have reached alone.

A Finding Worth Knowing

One finding from Gottman's research deserves particular attention. In his observational studies, couples who maintained strong Love Maps were more resilient not only during relational conflict but during external stressors, such as job loss, illness, and family crisis.

Knowing one another deeply functions as a buffer. It is not just pleasant; it is protective. Couples who invested in knowing each other were less likely to allow outside pressures to erode their friendship and commitment.

This matters because stress is not exceptional in married life. It is ordinary. The question is not whether your marriage will face pressure, but whether the two of you have built the kind of knowing that holds under weight.

Updating Your Love Maps

At the bottom of this post is a list of questions you can incorporate into a cozy date or at‑home quality time activity. Set aside 30 minutes, put away your electronics, and use the prompts to explore one another’s inner worlds: memories, hopes, quirks, and everyday details you may never have talked about. The goal is not to get the answers ‘right,’ but to stay curious, listen closely, and enjoy discovering new layers of the person you love.

How to use the questions. Choose either format below (or mix them) depending on what feels most fun for both of you.

Option 1: Conversation

Sit together somewhere comfortable (at a café, on a walk, or at home) and bring the list of questions with you.
One partner chooses a question and answers it about the other person (e.g., “I think you…”).
After they answer, the partner who was “described” can respond, clarify, or add details.
Then switch: the other partner chooses a different question and answers it about you.
Continue taking turns for about 30 minutes, or longer if you’re enjoying the conversation.

Option 2: Focused Sharing

Decide who will be “in the spotlight” first.
The partner who is not in the spotlight chooses a question and answers it about the partner who is in the spotlight.
Stay with that same role for about 15 minutes, choosing new questions and answering them about the spotlight partner.
After 15 minutes, switch roles: now the other partner becomes the spotlight, and you repeat the process for another 15 minutes.

Tips for making it a meaningful date

Treat this as play, not a test; the goal is curiosity, not perfection.
Follow interesting answers with gentle follow-up questions like “Tell me more about that” or “What makes that important to you?”
If a question feels too sensitive tonight, skip it and choose another.
Consider ending the activity by each sharing one thing you appreciated learning about the other.

Marriage as a Sign

The Catholic tradition teaches that a sacramental marriage is not only a private bond but a public witness. When two people love each other with genuine knowledge, patience, and fidelity, that love becomes visible to those around them: their children, their friends, their communities.

The relationship points toward something beyond itself. This is not a burden placed on marriages that are already hard enough. It is an invitation. The work of knowing your spouse more fully is also, quietly, an act of witness. It says to the world that people can be truly known, and that being known does not diminish us. It enlarges us.

That is worth working for.

100 Questions You Can Ask One Another

Who are two people your partner feels especially close to right now?
What kinds of music or sounds does your partner return to often?
What are some of your partners favorite things to wear?
What activities does your partner enjoy in their free time?
Where did your partner grow up, and how do they describe that place?
What current pressures or responsibilities are weighing on your partner?
What does a typical day look like for your partner?
How does your partner usually like to spend their birthday?
What meaning does your anniversary hold for your partner?
Which family members does your partner feel most connected to?
What long-term dreams or goals does your partner talk about?
What types of flowers or other plants does your partner enjoy?
What situations tend to trigger fear or anxiety for your partner?
When does your partner tend to feel most open to physical intimacy?
What kinds of tasks or roles make your partner feel capable and confident?
What kinds of gestures or behaviors does your partner find attractive in you?
What foods does your partner regularly crave or seek out?
How does your partner ideally like to spend an evening?
What are some of your partner's favorite colors, and what things do they like to see in which colors (clothes, cars, house or room paint, etc.)?
What areas of personal growth matter most to your partner right now?
What kinds of gifts feel meaningful or thoughtful to your partner?
What positive childhood memories does your partner revisit?
What are some trips or travel experiences that stand out to your partner?
What helps your partner feel calm or comforted during stress?
Who does your partner rely on for support outside your relationship?
Is your partner navigating any tension or disagreement with someone?
What physical activities or sports does your partner enjoy participating in or watching?
How does your partner prefer to use their free time?
What does a satisfying weekend look like to your partner?
What kinds of places does your partner enjoy escaping to?
What types of films does your partner tend to enjoy?
What upcoming events matter to your partner, and how do they feel about them?
How does your partner like to stay active or care for their body?
What scents or fragrances does your partner tend to wear or enjoy?
Who played an important friendship role in your partner’s early life?
What kinds of articles or blog topics interest your partner?
Who does your partner experience as a competitor or source of tension?
What kind of work would feel meaningful or fulfilling to your partner?
What recurring fears does your partner talk about?
Are there family relationships your partner finds difficult?
How does your partner like to spend holidays or seasonal celebrations?
What kinds of reading material does your partner engage with?
What shows or series does your partner follow or enjoy?
What kinds of poetry or writers resonate with your partner?
Where does your partner tend to sleep in the bed, and why?
What has been making your partner feel down recently?
What worries has your partner mentioned lately?
What health concerns does your partner think about?
What awkward or embarrassing experiences has your partner shared?
What difficult childhood experiences shaped your partner?
Which people does your partner look up to, and why?
Who does your partner struggle to get along with in your shared social circle?
What kinds of sweets or treats does your partner enjoy?
What personal information does your partner consider private or sensitive?
What kinds of stories or novels does your partner enjoy reading?
What dining experiences or environments does your partner enjoy?
What hopes or aspirations has your partner expressed recently?
Does your partner have ambitions they don’t often talk about?
What foods does your partner strongly dislike?
What routines help your partner feel grounded?
What habits is your partner trying to build or break?
How does your partner respond to conflict?
What does your partner need when they feel overwhelmed?
What kinds of compliments resonate most with your partner?
What makes your partner feel appreciated?
What social situations energize or drain your partner?
How does your partner typically make decisions?
What values guide your partner’s choices?
What makes your partner laugh consistently?
What kind of humor does your partner use?
What situations make your partner feel misunderstood?
What helps your partner feel truly heard?
What role does spirituality or reflection play in your partner’s life?
How does your partner define success?
What disappointments still linger for your partner?
What achievements is your partner quietly proud of?
What motivates your partner to keep going during hard times?
What does your partner need more of in life right now?
What does your partner wish others understood about them?
How does your partner express care for others?
How does your partner prefer to receive care?
What traditions or rituals matter to your partner?
What environments make your partner feel at ease?
What kinds of risks is your partner willing—or unwilling—to take?
What does your partner think about money, saving, or spending?
How does your partner approach learning new things?
What role do friendships play in your partner’s life?
What kind of legacy or impact does your partner want to leave?
What boundaries are important for your partner?
How does your partner recharge after a long day?
What inspires your partner creatively or intellectually?
What frustrates your partner about the world?
What brings your partner a sense of meaning?
How does your partner handle change or uncertainty?
What does your partner miss from earlier phases of life?
What kind of future does your partner hope for?
What qualities does your partner admire in others?
What does your partner consider a meaningful conversation?
When does your partner feel most connected to you?
What is something your partner wishes the two of you did more often together?