Building a Marriage on Shared Values

We recently discovered that a couple we know, who have different jobs in the same field (veterinary medicine), share a deep love of games, especially board games. Todd and Sarah even spend one of their annual vacations every year at Indianapolis's Gen-Con, the largest gaming convention in the US. Their interests are now shared by their elementary school children and shape the family activities.

"It must be fun to share so many interests and activities with your spouse," Mark told Todd recently.

"Are you saying you and Dawna don't have shared interests?" he asked, surprised.

"Not many," Mark answered. "We both like to read, but we read different things. We have very different careers. We love to dance but we don't really find a lot of time to do it. We travel a lot but often one or both of us is also working. Our marriage blog is probably our main shared interest right now."

Todd was surprised. "How do you stay connected as a couple?"

"Shared values," Mark told him. "When it comes to life, the universe, and everything, we are pretty much always on the same page."

We thought about this story when we read this week's gospel, in which Jesus makes an astonishing, deeply disturbing pronouncement about family: he says that because of him, family members will be divided against one another.

What he's saying is that couples who practice Jesus' call to radical generosity, unlimited forgiveness, and faith and hope even amid pain and suffering, may find themselves at odds with family members who prioritize financial accumulation, focus on defending their rights and interests over relationships, and who change values with every situation.

But here's the thing: What Jesus says is consistent with research that shows couples who build relationships on shared core values demonstrate greater satisfaction, resilience, and longevity than those bonded primarily by common interests or proximity. When partners align on what they treasure most—not just what they enjoy—they can weather financial stress, parenting decisions, and major life transitions as unified allies. Values-based marriages create space for individual growth while maintaining unity of purpose, resulting in partnerships marked by profound intimacy and enduring love.

That's Interesting

When couples first meet, they often bond over common interests—a love of hiking, similar taste in movies, or enjoyment of the same restaurants. While these shared activities create pleasant experiences and early connection, relationship research consistently shows they provide a surprisingly weak foundation for lasting marriage. Couples who build their relationships primarily on proximity, shared hobbies, or surface-level compatibility often struggle when life's inevitable challenges arise.

The deeper question for any couple contemplating a lifetime together is not "Do we enjoy the same things?" but rather "Do we treasure the same things?"

The Research on What Really Matters

Decades of marital research reveal a striking pattern: couples whose relationships are grounded in shared core values demonstrate significantly higher relationship satisfaction, better conflict resolution, and greater resilience during difficult seasons. The Gottman Institute's longitudinal studies found that while shared interests may spark initial attraction, shared meaning systems predict relationship longevity. Research at the University of California Berkeley demonstrated that value similarity was a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction than personality similarity or shared activities.

This finding aligns with what many have observed anecdotally—couples who met through circumstance or mutual hobbies but lacked fundamental agreement on life's most important questions often find themselves growing apart over time. Meanwhile, those who share deep convictions about purpose, morality, family, and life's ultimate meaning tend to grow closer even when their individual interests change over time.

The Crucible of Values

Life has a way of revealing what we truly prioritize. Career pressures, parenting decisions, financial stress, caring for aging parents, health crises—these crucibles expose whether couples are aligned on what matters most. When partners share fundamental values about integrity, sacrifice, commitment, and purpose, they can navigate these challenges as allies rather than adversaries.

Consider how differently couples respond to common marital stressors based on their underlying value systems:

• Financial pressure: How do we deal with money? Couples who share values about stewardship and generosity approach financial decisions with similar frameworks, even when they disagree on specifics. Couples with different ideas about spending, saving, and giving often face fundamental conflicts about security, status, and what constitutes "enough."

• Parenting decisions: How should we raise our children? Partners who share beliefs about about how children should be disciplined, educated, and loved can work effectively through the countless daily decisions of raising children. But couples with different family value systems may find every seemingly simple choice leads to a power struggle.

• Career demands: How do we balance work and family? When both spouses value family, service, and life balance similarly, they can navigate the competing demands of professional advancement and personal relationships. Without this alignment, every career decision becomes a potential sources of tension.

  
  

Practical Steps for Identifying Shared Values

Take time to honestly assess the foundation of your relationship. Do you know what your partner would choose if forced to decide between comfort and conviction? Can you articulate the values that guide your major life decisions? Are you prepared to support each other when living by your shared values requires sacrifice? Here are some ways to explore these topics as a couple:

Before marriage:

• Don't only talk about the things you enjoy; find times to discuss what you would sacrifice for

• Discuss moral dilemmas in the news or in films you've seen. Explore how you each would respond to the moral dilemmas and difficult decisions posed in those situations.

• Talk about the people you most admire and discuss why you esteem them

• Share your visions for how you want to be remembered

• Discuss what you believe makes life meaningful

  
  

During marriage:

• Revisit your shared values together regularly as your life together evolves

• Make decisions through the lens of your stated priorities

• Sometimes, living by your values will prove painful or costly. Support each other.

• Celebrate occasions when your partner chooses values over convenience

• Don't just teach your children what you enjoy; teach them what you treasure

Growing Together

Dawna's interests after forty years are not what they were when we married. Mark is aware of, and tries to support her interests even when he does not share them: buying her gift cards to a yarn store, for example, or buying her a book he's sure she'll like even though he won't read it. Dawna buys Mark specialty coffees, and goes with him to movies she would not bother watching on her own.

And we talk a lot about politics, about religion, about our children. We share dilemmas that our work raises for us. And we ponder different ways we can try to live our values in the face of life's challenges.

A marriage built on shared values creates space for individual growth while maintaining unity of purpose. It weathers the changing seasons of life because it's rooted in something deeper than circumstances or feelings. Most importantly, it allows couples to build something together that reflects their deepest beliefs about what makes life worth living.

Photo by ArtHouse Studio