Bearing Good Fruit at Home: Lessons on Love, Effort, and Renewal

When Mark's parents announced that they were separating after 25 years of marriage, Mark was saddened but not surprised. His dad worked full time and brought home a good paycheck, and did most of the yard work (or delegated it to his kids). Mark's mom worked part-time and did pretty much everything else. They had a working economic partnership but there was little intimacy, playfulness, or thoughtful conversation.

Several years before Mark had asked his father why he came home, sat in his chair, and watched TV all night instead of spending more time with his family.

"I work very hard all day," his father explained. "When I come home, I just want to rest. It's not fair that I should have to work at home, too. I spend my weekends for the family, but my evenings are my time to rest and rejuvenate."

In three decades as a marriage and family therapist, Dawna has witnessed too many couples who believed that the mere fact of their marriage—the ceremony, the vows, the legal bond—would somehow sustain their relationship. By the time they come to see her, they are bewildered by their marriage's failure, not recognizing that like any living thing, a marriage without nourishment will wither.

In this Sunday's Gospel, John the Baptist warns the Pharisees and Sadducees not to presume that their identity as "children of Abraham" guarantees their spiritual wellbeing. He calls on them to "Produce good fruit as evidence."

Just as being "a child of Abraham" required more than genealogy, being married requires more than a certificate and a ring. It requires action.

When Marriage Hands You Lemons...

What are the "good fruits" of marriage?

Dr. John Gottman, whose four decades of research has studied thousands of couples, has identified specific behaviors that predict whether marriages will flourish or fail. His findings reveal that successful marriages aren't just about avoiding negative behaviors, but also about actively engaging in positive ones.

Most importantly, loving actions and selfish actions don't balance out evenly. Gottman's research shows that thriving marriages maintain a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. In a successful marriage, kindness, appreciation, humor, and affection outweigh criticism and contempt by five to one or better. These positive interactions are the fruits that sustain a relationship through difficult seasons.

An equally important lesson is that you need to feel grateful for what you have. Research in positive psychology has demonstrated that expressing gratitude to your spouse not only makes them happier, it strengthens the bond between the two of you. Fruitful relationships happen when couples regularly acknowledge and appreciate each other's contributions, large and small.

Finding Good Fruit At Home

So how do we build these "good fruits" in our daily married life? Here are three tried-and-true ways:

Be There: If half of success is just showing up, the other half is being genuinely present when you do. Research on relationship quality shows that spending a lot of leisure time together is less effective than spending meaningful time together. This means putting away phones during dinner, and having real conversations in which you actually listen to one another.

Keep Up With Repairs: Even the strongest marriages experience conflict and hurt. Successful couples aren't those who never fight, but those who know how to repair ruptures effectively. The important thing isn't to avoid all conflict, but to follow up your arguments and disagreements with humility: acknowledge mistakes, apologize genuinely, and work toward repair.

Intentional Appreciation: Taking time to notice and share with your spouse what you appreciate about them might seem like a small thing, but its not. Couples who regularly express appreciation report higher relationship satisfaction and greater resilience during stress. Appreciative couples don't fall into dull, complacent marriages.

Bearing Fruit in Every Season

Thriving marriages don't happen automatically. They require the same intentionality that any spiritual discipline demands. The marriage ceremony was just the beginning of our vocation. Our vows were a commitment to do the work of loving our spouses day after day--even when we feel complacent or, like Mark's father, too tired. And the truth is, if we do the work, the fruits will grow, and we'll all be fed.

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