A Matter of Faith: Everyday Acts That Build Marital

It was the middle of the work week when Dawna called Mark. "I just texted you the URL for a house listing. Please make an offer on it right away."

We'd been looking for a house. We'd sold our old house in advance of an 18 month excursion overseas, and returned to an apartment. We had a plan to build a retirement house several states away near our grandchildren, but in the meantime we were pouring money down the drain in rent rather than building equity. After visiting a half-dozen run-down houses asking for more than they were worth, we'd more-or-less given up.

Mark looked over the house posting Dawna had sent but it's impossible to tell much from these. Making an offer on a house he hadn't even seen, let along visited, seemed crazy to Mark, but he decided to bite the bullet and trust his wife.

In the this week's Gospel, we encounter a striking moment of trust between spouses. When Joseph is told in a dream to flee to Egypt with his family, he rises in the middle of the night and goes. He simply trusts God. Scripture tells us nothing of a conversation between Joseph and Mary, no debate about whether the dream was real or the journey wise. Mary simply trusts her husband's discernment, and together they protect their child. The story invites us to reflect on when we trust, not just in the big things, but often in the little, everyday actions of which our marriage is made.

When to Question, When to Trust

Marriage requires us to make countless decisions together, from finances to parenting to household management. In some cases, collaboration and discussion are essential. But there are other moments when our spouse asks us to follow their lead without full explanation, or when they make a choice we do not entirely understand.

How do we know when to ask questions and when to simply trust?

Research offers helpful guidance here. Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington found that trust in marriage is not primarily built or broken through major events like buying a house or fleeing to a foreign land. Rather, trust accumulates through what Gottman calls "sliding door moments," the small, everyday instances when we either turn toward our partner or turn away.

When your spouse says, "I think we should take a different route," or "Let me handle this conversation with the kids," your response in that moment matters. Repeated patterns of dismissing or questioning your spouse's judgment erode trust over time, while patterns of respect and deference strengthen it.

This does not mean we should never voice concerns or ask for explanations. Healthy marriages include honest dialogue. But it does mean that cultivating a disposition of trust, a willingness to believe that your spouse is competent and has good intentions, creates a foundation for those harder conversations when they arise.

A Practice for Building Trust

Do you find yourselves questioning one another's decisions or actions in your shared lives?

One useful exercise is the "Trust Reflection" conversation. Once a week, sit with your spouse for ten minutes. Each partner answers two questions: "When did you trust me this week?" and "When did I trust you?" This simple practice brings to light the small moments of confidence we often overlook, and it reinforces a shared narrative of reliability and respect.

This works because it forces both spouses to make clear, not only for you, but for themselves, when trust is present. When your partner clarifies when they trusted you, and they hear evidence of occasions when you trusted them, it serves as a sign you are developing healthy trusting behaviors.

If you or your spouse cannot follow the other's lead without a full explanation, then you are not building trust. "Yes, and...", moments are critical for growth and enjoyment of one another. "Yes, but..." or worse, "but, no" means the relationship is rigid.

Over time, couples who engage in this kind of intentional reflection report feeling more secure and more willing to extend trust in uncertain situations.

Conclusion

Trust is sometimes a leap made in the dark, a decision to follow when we cannot see the full path ahead. In our marriages, we are rarely asked to flee to a foreign country in the night as were Mary and Joseph. But we are asked, daily, to believe in one another, to

assume good faith, and to extend the grace of confidence.

In our case, we just finished one year in our new house, and will be hosting three of our four children and their families for Christmas. Sometimes that gift of trust may be one of the most important things we offer each other.