The Jealous Marriage

​One of the best tests of the strength of a marriage is how people feel about the good things that happen to their spouses. 

 

People who felt true joy at the good news of their partner formed stronger bonds than those who were jealous of their spouse’s successes, writes psychologist Shelly Gable in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

 

People who do not feel joy at their spouse’s good fortune suffer from envy. Envy can occur in two different ways -- within a marriage as a competition between the partners, or by one or both partners looking at what other couples have.

 

Envy within a coupleship is the very opposite of what marriage is supposed to be. When a Christian couple marries they typically exchange a vow, such as “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part…”

 

Envy turns that vow upside down. Instead of the couple having one another's backs, marriage becomes a win/lose proposition, a zero-sum game, in which one partner is unhappy if their spouse is happy. When this occurs, the two do not have common goals for the future, nor do they have one another's best interests at heart.

 

Envy may occur in small ways, as when a husband sees his wife's ability to stay home with their children as a luxury to which he is not privy to, or a mother is envious that the kids cooperate with their father's requests to behave more often than they do for her. Dawna has found herself jealous of Mark's trips through work, his coffee with colleagues, and his seemingly endless hours cruising the internet doing research, while she is frazzled juggling household chores, small children, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. He’s expressed envy of her summer days at the pool or going out for ice cream while he’s stuck at his office. There are limitless possibilities for one spouse to be envious of opportunities in the other's life. It could be the skills they have, the nature of their personality, the friends that surround and support them, their enjoyable career, the hobbies they pursue, the amount of money they make, their opportunities for relaxation, the kudos they receive, or the schedule they have.

 

The envy one partner feels toward the other may be the result of insecurity or low self esteem. People may perceive a threat if they think their partner is better looking, more intelligent, better educated, or more charismatic, has more friends, or makes more money. In such a case, anything good that happens for the spouse can threaten the relationship.

 

When someone is envious of their spouse, they do not feel part of a team. They do not feel that their spouse is their partner in the game of life. They may even feel that they need to protect themselves from their partner.

 

Lara said that when she met Greg she was impressed with how "perfect" he was. He was a solid student with a supportive group of friends. He dressed well and made her feel very special with all the focus and attention he paid to her. He brought her into his circle of friends. Soon she found herself spending so much time with him that she didn't have time for her old activities and friends.

 

Lara said that she didn't really notice that she was changing her lifestyle because she was so enamored with Greg, and wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. Besides, some of her friends were fellow classmates in the college business program, so she saw them in classes and at school activities.

 

Lara and Greg finished their degrees and married right after graduation. Greg agreed with Lara that their dating relationship in college was very good. He told me that Lara really took his status up a notch. The faculty considered her one of the "best and brightest" in the business program, but guys in the program also declared her the "hottest" business student. He liked to know that she was working alongside him in the early years. They both found jobs for companies in the nearby city.

 

Then problems set in. Greg didn't like the quickness with which Lara was promoted within her company. He worried that she got her promotion based on her looks, not her effort.

 

Lara interrupted. "See that's how he always sees it. If I get rewarded, it's because I'm ‘hot’ so the bosses are favoring me. But if he gets a promotion, it's due to his hard work."

 

Soon, the two of them were earning more than six figures, but there still didn't seem to be any money to spare, Lara said.

 

"Greg always wants to impress people,” she complained. “He buys dinners, takes his colleagues out for drinks. We have to have everything newer, bigger, and shinier than anyone else."

 

Greg took offense at Lara’s characterization of him and shifted a portion of blame."Lara is constantly blaming me for our financial problems, especially since she quit working to take care of the kids."

 

"I just asked him to commit to a budget and help me get our spending under control," Lara defended.

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Greg laughed. "Maybe you need to get your diet under control. Maybe it's your weight that needs trimming."

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This response seemed oddly random. To me, Lara appeared fit and healthy-looking. She turned to me. "Greg seems to think it is okay to put me down and laugh at me when issues get too personal."

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"I just think she should stop using the kids as an excuse to have a free ride," he said

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"We go over and over this,” Lara said. “If I have a job, he denigrates my income, the time I spend away from home, and the lack of good parenting our kids get. When I stay at home, I get flack about ‘letting myself go’, and gaining too much weight. And if I’m not working outside the home, I’m just taking a free ride on his dollar."

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Envious people often aim at being as good as the object of their envy, but when they come to believe it is impossible for them to compete, they try to spoil the qualities of the person or things they envy. It is this spoiling aspect of envy that is so destructive to the growth of a relationship, since the very source of goodness on which the relationship was founded becomes the source of the marriage’s troubles.

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"When she's home, she is too lenient with the kids. They get too attached to her and never listen to me anymore. I hate to say this but I don't think Lara is as good a mom as the daycare workers," Greg said.

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Lara was visibly hurt. "I don't think that's fair at all. I stayed home with each baby for about three years until they were stable enough to handle preschool. Mostly I wanted to be bonded with my babies, but Greg was part of that too."

 

Greg’s envy of Lara was palpable, and it was destroying their marriage. He had put Lara in the frustrating position of being unable to do anything right, because everything she did well had to be poisoned rather than praised.

 

But Greg is also suffering from his envy. He is financially comfortable, has an intelligent, capable wife and two healthy children. Yet he is unable to enjoy any of it.

 

An envious person like Greg is like a desert traveler seeing a water mirage shimmering in the distance. As he approaches it to fulfill his need, it vanishes; but there is always another in the distance.

 

Lara’s marriage is being spoiled by Greg’s relentless spoiling of her successes. But Greg’s marriage is being spoiled by his inability to enjoy his own marital successes, accomplished with and through his partnership with Lara. Each time they achieved a goal, his envy rendered the goal meaningless, and Greg’s feelings of success evaporated like the mirage, and he set his site on another perceived goal in the distance.

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What do we do about jealousy in our marriages? Read our chapter on Eliminating Envy to find out.

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