The Prideful Marriage

Pride is at the bottom of Dante’s Hell, a freezing place fed by the cold arrogance of Satan himself, who sits trapped in the icy waste of his own ego. Dante’s description is drawn from scripture, in which Satan is called the “king over all the children of pride” (Job 41:34).

 

Pride, as described in Christian theology, is not at all what is meant by what psychologists call “self-esteem.” Self-esteem derives from examining one’s actions with honesty and humility and feeling good about oneself as a result. Pride replaces honest self-examination and objective acceptance of accomplishment and failure with a sense of entitlement, a sense of superiority because of who you are rather than how you are.

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All the Seven Deadly Sins involve self-indulgence, but pride is self-indulgence turned into the central characteristic of a person’s life. Pride is the worst of the sins, said G.K. Chesterton, because it is the sin that denies sin. The prideful person sees their own self-indulgence and self-centeredness as completely reasonable, perhaps even as virtues.

 

Brenda and Conrad came to see Dawna when they were filing for divorce. They came because of a court mandate in their state that when children are involved that couples must see a counselor for mediation to try to reach a child custody settlement before they go to court. The mediation process is one in which parents try to work together to devise a parenting plan that is mutually acceptable to both parents.

 

Mediation is not like marriage counseling, in which the couple is exploring what is wrong with their coupleship, striving, for all their faults, toward a better marriage. Mediation is a goal-focused, task-oriented, time-limited process, which strives for a specific end product – a negotiated settlement for the divorce.

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Brenda came into the room first. She had an unsteady gait and a tremor as she shook hands. Dawna knew from her intake report that she suffered from Multiple Sclerosis. When she spoke her speech was slurred. Earlier in the week when she set up the appointment, she had told Dawna that she hadn't left her house in weeks. She was embarrassed that people might think she had a drinking problem.

 

Conrad followed after her at a distance. He selected a seat across from Brenda rather than one near her. He pointedly looked at his watch and told me that he had to leave within the hour. He was trying to let Dawna know he would be in control of the session.

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Dawna's first task was to determine whether there was enough of a rapport between the two to create a child custody agreement. She began with an informal interview to determine if the couple would benefit from the mediation process. She needed to assess whether there was a history of physical abuse, family violence or psychopathology.

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Their story began like many others—mutual friends, shared church, budding romance. "She was beautiful back then," Conrad reminisced. "She dressed really sharp. Her hair was done up like a movie star. It made me proud when I was with her."

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As if sensing he was letting his guard down, Conrad shifted to a harsh assessment of the present., "Not like now,” he said. “Now she never leaves the house. She's always depressed and it shows in the way she's let herself go."

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Dawna mentioned that with a serious disease like MS there are often mental and emotional  repercussions. Given all that MS patients are coping with, they need family members to bear with them patiently.

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"I've been patient,” Conrad retorted. “Now I'm done. I’m in love with somebody else now, who can do a better job as a wife. I have to do what’s best for me.”

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His comment reminded Dawna of what Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen declared in 1995 when he filed for divorce after a five-month marriage to Donna Peele: "You buy a car, it breaks down, what are you gonna do?"

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Brenda replied, "Conrad always saw our family as an extension of himself. If we looked good, he looked good."

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Dawna asked them questions around the issues of childcare to assess how they had structured their parenting prior to their seeking divorce. Brenda stated that she had initially worked as a nurse after graduation and their marriage. 

 

But once Conrad began to earn enough for her to be a stay-at-home Mom, he preferred that she quit nursing.

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Conrad saw this story as a gambit on Brenda's part to get the upper hand and replied, "Now you're making it sound like I wanted to keep you home, barefoot and pregnant."

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"We did have five kids, Conrad. Call it what you like," Brenda snapped back.  "Conrad wasn't much use in the trenches of parenting. He always saw himself above doing the dirty work, like diaper changing, cleaning up after sick kids. Oh, and he was outta there if one of the kids had a temper tantrum. I believe he liked the idea of being a Dad more than actually being one."

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Conrad straightened up and spoke through clenched teeth, "Brenda here envisions that she's gonna get full custody, but the way I see it her health is failing pretty fast. She's not gonna be able to keep up with our youngest. He's better off coming with me from the start."

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Brenda gasped sharply. But Conrad just kept right on laying out his plan. "She can keep the girls. They were always closer to her anyway. They're older and they can help her out."

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It was apparent that he had devised a plan, a way to get what he wanted while seeming to give her support and care. Brenda just shook her head grimly. She saw she'd been outmaneuvered and that even the judge would see that Conrad, with a new wife, would be the more reasonable placement for their youngest son. So she'd get the four older girls in exchange for his cooperation.

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All that was left was to determine child support.

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In a marriage, pride may express itself by one spouse acting as if he or she is the center of the coupleship, as if the sole purpose of the marriage is for their fulfillment. It can be revealed by one spouse failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of their spouse, or by excessive admiration of themselves, or by one partner viewing their spouse as an extension of themselves to the degree that they feel it is their right to exercise excessive control of their partner. They may do such things as tell them what to wear or not wear, what activities they may or may not participate in, who they may associate with, or even how to wear their hair and how much weight they need to lose.

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Conrad and Brenda’s marriage seemed to be life giving while he was at the center. He was the provider; he had the right house, the obedient kids, the attractive wife. Everything in his family was an extension of him. When the marriage stopped meeting his needs, but required him to serve the increasingly desperate needs of his wife, he left her—and the Church—to seek another marriage in which he could be served.

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The proud often deceive themselves into ignoring realities in the conduct of their lives that less self-centered people quickly recognize and take into account. 

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Proud people often have inflated opinions of themselves and their possessions, abilities, powers, and accomplishments. Their pride has deceived them about their importance. As a result, pride poisons love. It poisons all the virtues. Pride makes the self, not the other, the touchstone of what is good.